to weak now

This place, so familiar, the animals, the sounds, the smell, everything. Yet sitting here, my mind blank... but involuntarily playing a film of memories before my eyes. Sitting here. i love all that i see but the tears won't stop. The memories are happy and yet the tears won't stop. This road i look at now, a dirt road... the dirt road that led to my heart. looking at it i can see kids on bikes, 3 boys, 4 girls, riding, laughing and although i know they're not really there now and i know what i will see next i cannot look away

Another bike rounds the corner, a blonde boy rides it and a girl with redy brown hair is balancing on the handle bars. they are both laughing and i know what happens next. Sitting here i lean forward to yell a warning, but of course they cannot hear me. The bike hits the wood in the road and they both fall off. They lay on the dusty road laughing.

The boy pulls himself to his knees and crawls to where she is laying. He says something to her and although i can't hear it from here, i know he has said, "I should have met you a long time ago." She looks at him puzzled and my heart aches with the knowledge of how things will be one year later when she repeats those very words back to him. He leans over her and gently kisses her lips.

One of the other boys has returned and skids his bike so the two on the ground are now covered in the red dust. he laughs and teases them, as i know he often does, for they only just met. i shut my eyes as more tears start to flow and when i open them they are gone. i know the memory has finished now.

One of the memories of us when i was here before. one of the memories that will not die just because he did.

I stand. i go inside. i sit in the big chair, sinking into the cushion. i pretend i am not there. i pretend i do not exist. i pretend to disappear and i sleep. i sleep in a world of my own. a safe world where the hurt and memories can no longer reach me.