Someone had to...

right now i really don't know. but playing the glad game left me with the answer that the way out is inside of me somewhere and when the time is right, i'll understand what to do. Again, not much of a silver lining really, but it's something.

well i tried and tried to hold me together, because i grew up with people telling me crying was weak, crying is for wimps who can't win. winners don't cry and that i wasn't to cry in front of people and make a spectacle of myself. well maybe i'm not the winner my father spoke of. i have tried and tried to hold myself together, keep it to myself and not let it show. i'm fine always fine never not fine that's maddy :) but soon my binds were slipping and my mask was slowly falling, it was more then i had to keep up the pretence and i found myself falling.

yes i'm upset beyond words, yes I sit awake at night shivering at the end of my bed tears flowing down my cheeks, yes i'm not fine... but i'm not alone. no i have someone to play the glad game with me, i have someone to point out to me where the silver lining is. even if, as i said above, it isn't much, or a very probable silver lining it's better then wallowing in self pity as well as the sadness already engulfing me.

i felt so comfortable last night, once again perched on my bed surrounded by pillows and curled up in a blanket crying, talking and miraculously laughing. yes as always he made me laugh... he made me see that it was ok that i was crying right now, that the reason was fine and i was no worse off for my feelings. he made me understand to take the crying on as any other emotion. and so i sat there crying, laughing and not feeling like i was a black abyss of hurt. i felt comfortable, fine with where i was... like i could see a way out and knew it was just a matter of time.

it was like before i was in space, thrashing around... tumbling upside down. screaming, crying... panicing. and then he reached out and steadied me. set me upright and held me there. so now i was floating peacefully in this space instead of making it worse for myself. it was amazing, that i was laughing and feeling ok... and that it was fine, that it was fine that i was crying.