whenever i try

Whenever i try the opposite happens. When i tried to get over him, i failed... it wasn't until i gave up trying that i realised i was over him. When I tried to be nice to... welll, I ended up a complete bitch. When i try for his attention i end up giving him her attention. when i try to act, i end up in hysterics...
what have i learnt?

so... i know some people are a tad angry at little old me now, for things ive done. but let me just say my latest oops... was fricken legit! it wasn't till after i'd done it that i realised how... it might, um offend... someone *tugs colar* ok accident!! i'm not really a complete bitch, i just come across as one. ok that was a completely profesional suggestion and im sorry that i made that person mad/upset ok!?

IT WAS ALL PROFESIONAL I SWEAR

but then again, if im gonna say all that's professional then i'd have to say all the good is just professional :( dam... oh well maybe i'll have to take it and say i meant it to get a little action ;)

me and you

if you can't take me when i'm tough, then you're the one who's giving up, if you can't take me when i'm wrong then you're here humming the wrong song. if you're too scared to take a hit, then you don't get me, not one bit. if you can't stand while i yell, then it's you not me who will be felled

error of my ways

I do know who i've done wrong... and I don't thrive off the tention or anything like that, but I simply do what must be done. The words that were relayed to me bore nothing but the bad tidings of what was going on. I knew then that it had to stop, i knew then that I had to stop. I like to play, to flirt and to toy... and I know who does and who doesn't deserve that. I know that he who is not strong enough does not deserve it. Without sounding too... up myself, i believe myself to be the stronger character here. in the story, he is the sad, pittied one... I am the rough, untouchable one... and that is how it is. He is wise in many ways yes, but in the ways of life itself he seems lost, confused and so young. I too am just young and have a lot to learn... but I have made better use of the things I have seen and read. I learnt a long time ago that befriending people is not for me... To become close to anyone is not where I am headed in life, I do not think I will say end up dying alone because I can love stronger than anything else and to be loved is all I desire, but I distance myself until I know it's worth it. I can see where i gave him false hope, and I can see when I acted simply for my own benifit before thinking of him, but that's ok... I am here going through my life and every now and then I deserve to call the shots.

to hear what's said when i'm not around made me realise what was going on... False messages again, hopes that shouldn't have been born and no matter what was said the knowledge that nothing would be good enough. Talking, flirting, laughing, manipulating... they're not the same thing. they don't work together, i thought i made it clear, but there's no stopping this hope. it's naive and strong and I admire it in him... I don't know what the hope is for now as i gave up questioning when i realised the danger it put me in. But i know there's hope, perhaps for a motherly figure to care, perhaps for a love still, perhaps for a friend who won't leave... all i know is that any of those is something i can't deliver and don't choose to.

i'm glad i can make him smile, im glad i can do something good. but it's gone on far too long, the shadows covering it all up. if it was clear what was felt then it would be easier to know what to say and do... but as i am unsure of what is felt and thought the easiest thing here for me is to detach myself from the situation, cold turkey hurts but is an effective way so i've heard.

i hope you see

For reaching too far infront, and talking about things that you have no idea about... i hope you now see. for every word you spoke outa line, and everytime you pretended i was yours... for every dream you let swing loose and every time you wouldn't listen i hope you now see. For every stupid word you said... and every hope that isn't yet dead, for every smile you did for me and every time you failed to see... i hope now you see.

does it hurt just a little bit now? can you feel it clearer now!? do you understand anything now... i hope you see now. From every smile i shot your way, and every time that i would say i hope you realise the truth i hope you see now. I'm an actor at her best... i hate to tell you the rest... of how i know who wins I do... oh yes i know who comes out on top. I'm an actor at her best, i think you can figure out the rest... It's not a lie I say to you, but a character i try on for you. I'm not that girl you've come to know... i'm not the girl you thought i was... i'm not the girl you did once love... i'm not that girl at all nu uh.

I have told you once before, how i can smile and seem to ignore. any pain that comes my way, well i can smile to make your day. i know just the things to say, to get you to do it my way, i know all the things to do, to make it seem like im smiling for you. When i'm mad i just don't care, and i know it's slightly unfair... that i have this over you when there's nothing you can do. I wish i wasn't so angry, and then i might just be, a little more compasionate, and who could tell what would come from that.

i think back over what you've done, and all the times it's you who made me won... i know i'd be so much less, if you hadn't tried your best. i don't kid and simply say, that i'm a heartless bitch today... i feel, i love and cry... and if i didn't care i wouldn't try... but you pulled my final straw, i was blessed because i was lead by you... but you held on too long and now i know your welcome has worn and it's time for this to end. i'm sick of lying to you, i'm sick of playing your friend. I know you see and that's why you shell up... i know deep down you know this time it's up. I'm sorry if it hurts to walk awayy, i'm sorry but there's nothing i can say... i wish you could know it now, i wish you'd feel it right some how, but no i have to lie, and now i watch you cry... because of my doing... but if you hated me then that would be ok... at least the decision would be made.

i'm sorry it happend like that no truly i really am. i'm sorry you saw that underneath all of my smiles and polite chit chat i was nothing more then that. i'm sorry i lied to you and pulled the carpet from beneath your flying feet. but a slap to the face was the only way, you wouldn't wake up any other day. let this signal the end... let this pave the way for you to walk into the light, into the future without fright. let this pave your way away from these saddening days.

read before you say i love you

Before you let the feelings flow there's only one thing you should know... it's not about the things that come, it's not about what's done is done. Give yourself a break and simply take a moment as it comes. think a little first, but before your heart does burst... however vague it goes, just make sure that person knows. It's ok to be afraid, a choice is never easily maid. but it's ok to take a chance, no matter wot happened before. it's cool to take it slow but just remember to let them no.

but to say these words ever please think before you do, please know that they are true or the path will fall under you.

what could be better then that

near.. far, where ever you are... i believe that the heart does go on.

For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby. Just because i've walked past, and I'm moving on at last doesn't mean i'm never thinking back... doesn't mean i've turned my back.

for all the joys i see ahead, and all the ways i am not dead i know that life is kind to me and there are still wonders im left to see, For all the times i fell down, and every time i wore a frown i know a joy will soon be born for there will be calm after the storm.

For all the love i let slip by, and all the times i was to cry I wondered if i'd make it through, i knew there was something i could do. For every day i live again, and every time that's not my end i thank the world that i am me and that i can settle with being me.

i know it isn't much in the way of me... so let's try a little into maddies heart and soul. once given to a boy is nothing more then just a toy, once given back in parts is never again whole... but i have worked hard to get to where i was before it all went wrong, before he took my song. I loved but two in this world... and i'm not sorry i did. for love is why i'm here, to feel and learn and tear. I know i always talk of love but that is because that is who i am. love is my life, love is my song, for me love can do no wrong. Love is all i feel as i look around the sky... love is all i need as i walk into the night. i know i can make mistakes but i know ive got what it takes, to be happy in love, sent down from above and given to me.

I know i've fallen, and i know i feel free because i've gone on from a staleness that was eating away at me for some time. I know I will always find it hard to ever fully feel again since Ash, because he took my heart with him to the grave. And since him... most of my emotion is simple numbness. i tried to love again... and just failed and hurt him. I can't feel any strength of the emotion as it has all gone to the numbness. when i smile i feel truly happy... but it's only one shard of the shattered soul i once had. When i laugh and cry it's honest emotion... but if you felt it the way i felt it you would feel a muted, muffled, fuzzy emotion trying to break through. I am scared to lead them on. anyone who would ever care, because i know i do not feel... i know i was shocked through when he died...

for all the times i held him close, and all the times i see his ghost... I will remember every time, i ever joined his soul with mine. Too bad the last and final time, i joined his empty soul with mine, was when he left this world of ours, and now he's taken me out of bounds. My soul and heart has gone, joined with him they too now have gone. but i can feel them renew their energy as i start to love again. As more and more i see, how much of him is in me... i know he never took my soul with him, but i kept his with me.

someones always saying goodbye

Why do people fall in love And they end up cryingWhy do lovers walk away from themselvesWhen their hearts are breakingWhy does loving sometimes never stay longWhy does kissing this time Mean you'll be goneWhy does gladness become sadnessThings that I don't getSomeone's always saying goodbyeI believe it hurts when we cryDon't we know partings never so easyAnd with all the achings insideI believe some hearts won't surviveTrying hard to pretend That we're gonna be fineI could never really love Someone else but youI have never wanted anything else But a love so trueBut just like a dream That comes in the nightIn the morning you were out of my sightTurned away from meSadly as I seeAway from where I stand

/exploding

i give up i like blogging so i just will... i'll just watch what i say :)

You see things; and you say 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?' being happy is not the same as being optimistic... and this quote proves that. That's the difference between you and me, nothing is ever impossible to me... but i don't chase after the things that take more effort than they deserve to get.

Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up. a quote i wish to live by always. Just because i don't like you doesn't mean i won't treat you decently. but just because i'm treating you decently doesn't mean i like you.

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. Sing, write, dance because you CAN not because you have reason to.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. so wait for the darkness and see if they still shine and then you will know if they are infact worth it. To see a persons true self, watch them with a child or a pet.

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process.... It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see I'm everything I am Because you loved me. And it's good for me to see, the things you brought to me that now i do not need but couldn't have gone without.

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend Ev'ry beat of my heart, ev'ry day without end Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes. this is how i plan to live. Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire When the fear rises up, when the wave's ever higher I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul I will hold on all night and never let go Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes. This is my promise to me and to you, this is how i will be... i will lay down my life if that's what you need.

Just think twice, before you close that door

blog no more

i regret to inform this blog is closed. Perhaps later when my faith in humanity returns and things settle down and stop being so ridiculous it will be re-opened. Until then, wish me luck and safe keeping.

/better

ooo angry maddy.

nobodies perfect, nobody is expected to be... and please enjoy yourself arguing that statement, but nobody is. so stop trying so hard to be perfect. you're attempts make you look more feeble and desperate then you really are. you give yourself a bad name, when you could be so much more. you are such a sad little kid what else could i do but help you out a bit. get up, get off the ground away from the underneath of other peoples feet and start living. sure helping people is good, but i help people, everyone helps people... while still living. you can't give your life to someone else's needs, you only have one life to work so who cares if it's not perfect. we all go wrong, it's what makes our stories interesting. imagine someone trying to read your story, it would be dead boring... all about a push over that will make people just want to slap you and scream LIVE A LITTLE.

there's a bar, at one end there's people only looking out for number one, at the other there's people completely ignoring their own needs and wants to look out for number 4000001.
it's best to sit somewhere in the middle. You're going to waste your time here if you're helping others and forgetting yourself. sure you're putting yourself to good use, but what a life to remember hai? when you're on you're death bed. and you realised, you have nothing for yourself. all these other people outthere sure will but you won't. is it really enough for you to lie there dying, with no one caring about you thinking... "i had a good life look at all the people i helped. even if none of them are here now" you must be so empty inside. i hurt just thinking of how lonely it must be for you, and then i won't to shout at you because you do this by choice.

every second of every minute of every day of your life that you let go by, can never be re-lived. remember that. it can never be re-done if it wasn't what you wanted

FUCK IT ALL

i quit. i quit my job, i quit my school, i quit your friendship, i quit my dreams, i quit my life

i'm not selfish, off myself... no i wouldn't you're an idiot if you would.

but i quit trying.

i fucking hate it all!

i hate the conversation i hate the waiting i hate every little thing that twinges at me trying to make me crack well WELL FREAKIN DONE IVE CRACKED.


my best friend and person i loved most in the world is dead. my love life failed. i currently have some wierd illness that is crippling me and hurts me like hell as well as freaking period cramps. i haven't slept in 4 nights because of night mares. horrible nightmares and the internet now hates me. i come home from a horrid work shift and want to watch the bloody end of titanic and it wont fricken let me... all i wanted was to watch the damn movie *breaks down to sobs*

i used to be so well put together, so in charge. and look at me now, a pathetic remnant of my former glory. i can't even look in the mirror without turning away in disgust, i don't know how anyone else could stand to look or be with me. what went wrong. why am i falling, why can't i hold on anymore... why do i need help

me

emo: if that means being emotional then yes I am
depressed: if that means going to the doctor and a million different clinics for help then yes i am
in love: if that means getting butterflies and loving his smile then yes i am
tired: if that means no sleep for 4 nights and feeling like your life has become a marathon then yes I am
lonely: if that means missing everything you ever had and knowin it's not about no one caring for you, but about you not caring for anyone anymore then yes i am
hurting: if that means feeling wounds in your heart burning long after they should have healed then yes i am
hating: if that means dreading and feeling violent then yes, yes i am
scared: if that means scared to shut your eyes at night, scared to walk out of the house and scared to feel... then yes i am


my vice: i get bored of people.


my advice: don't get to know me, then i won't be able to know you enough to get bored of you.


fallen, yes i have falled his smile keeps calling me back again.
someone knew, someone else who gives me butterflies... someone who it doesn't hurt to love. it feels fresh and free and that one part of me is smiling. if nothing else is worth it, love always must be. if every other part of me might as well be dead... it's worth it if my heart still goes on

ready?

not ready!


i am dedicated to my blog, no no im just going crazy doing nothing... my computer was in reach, and while i can't be bothered talking to anyone i might as well blog a bit before i go completely insane no i don't remember what i was thinking when i wrote this but it's obvious i wasn't happy rofl

confused

blinded, but i could see
Deafened, yet i could hear
Silenced, but i could talk
Controlled, never free

It was a dark, yet enlightening time
Constricting, yet it opened my mind
Destructive, but built a better person
Memorable, I never forget a crime

Happy, to be upset
Lying, but saying what i meant
Dying, to live a little more
A crooked shape, the love was bent

I was singing, without real words
calling out, without being heard
dreaming, without meaning
presenting facts, to the world

so alone, but in a crowd
so conflicted, but sure and proud
so bewitched, but positive it was my choice
so dependent, i could have bowed

Believing all your lies
huddled by your side
stuck with wounded pride
remember why i cried

amy's words

these were words i could never find in me but the feelings i had for so long

Never

by Amy Stein

I wait by the phone everydayBut you never call I get ready to go somewhere But you never show up I tell you important things But you never listen I say I love you But you never answer I write you mail But you never respond I ask if you love me, I ask if you care But you never pay attention to me. You make me feel all alone. You make me feel unloved. You make me feel like no one cares and no one ever will How can you do that to someone you are supposed to love? How can someone so sweet be so cruel? How can I hate so many things you do but still love you so much? Those are questions that will go unanswered forever Because I can ask and ask but you will never respond.

4 months on

4 months on and i'm writing out our story. it was so amazing, something that you wouldn't believe could happen in real life, especially not to you. but it happened to me, and it was the greatest thing. as i write out word after word, page after page, chapter after chapter of our time together i can remember everything that i had forgotten. every little laugh, every kiss and every word. i put pen to paper and i remember it all, i can smile at every time we smiled together, but not without the tears filling my eyes.. still, 4 months on.

i was never as happy as i was in my time with him. whether it was the part where we were in love, or the part where we were closer then close i don't care... i loved it all. trying to write it all down has brought everything i hid away back to the surface and it's hard. the hole in my heart, the emptiness left behind is burning as the acid of the memories washes through it reminding me of how much it hurt. with him must have been the only time i ever truly felt worth something, ever truly felt love. sure i've had other relationships, other friends... but none were the same. i could see through the lies and false pretences of friends and lovers. i could tell when they didn't mean it. but with Ash it all felt so real, i never got to doubt anything for even a second... and that's what made it so special. i never thought i'd find that in life... a friendship so sure you never have to question it or doubt the truth behind it.

i've been second guessing myself and other people my whole life, and maybe that's what lets me down. but with him i never had to. i could be what ever i wanted... say what i wanted and do what i wanted without ever having to think about it. he accepted anything, even if it was a negative something or saying no to going somewhere with him, anything. i never felt like i had to do things to please him, because he was pleased with me.

stronger

now that i'm stronger, brighter then that girl who went to plan oh why... am i writing this song.


at this point, i know a lot of people that turn to suicide... cutting, emo shit. they give up. i was raised not to give up. i can't give up. that would let me down.


as if i even care... as if you even mean anything to me. as if i need you. to be a better person, sure it would be nice... but who for?


no one makes me as mad as you do. no one upsets me liek you do. and it makes me crazy to know you have this power. my friend, the person i relied on for everything, trusted, loved, needed... is gone. so when you fucked up, when you walked out and i started to hate you... where was i to go. i don't have comforting arms to run to anymore, i don't have love in my life, my life is loveless. i sit and i think about hating you and how much i like it... and then i think, but ash is gone... where do i go now. so close we could have been the same bloody person we were, and now at times like this when i feel left and hated... i want him more then ever, and it hits me just how gone... gone is.



i know it's been ages now, and so much has happened. it's always times like these when i think of him and i wish so bad i could trade his life for yours. You make me so angry and you used to make me so sick. you must be the shallowest person i know... and im sorry i fell for your sharade. and all of this when i look inside to see what i should do now to make me feel better, all i find is the empty feeling of loss... because i have no where to go. i mean sure i have friends, but none of them give a dam like he did... because i choose not to let them.

i choose not to get close to people, because i have a habbit of leaving, on top of that i've been hurt so much i dont want it to happen again. i started this 2 years ago, now i barely know my family, i barely know anything about my friends, i trust no one except one person. and the one time i thought i was safe to go back, i was wounded for being so naive. The only person i let myself get close to was him, we were always together... it was good. and then i thought, well that one was ok... why not, and then slammed into a brick wall from hoping my luck was improving.

fail... or did i

what is this feeling, so sudden and knew... came over me the moment i learnt about you.... LOATHING UNADULTERATED LOATHING. i loathe you, i LOATHE you. it makes me sick to think i ever...

to go out on a limb, to attempt something out of your comfort zone in the hope of achieving something is difficult for anyone. so why go to great lengths to shoot someone down like that, why try so hard to make them feel like they failed when it's hard enough without your help. I would be ashamed to admit to an onlooker that i knew you, that i ever respected you.

Human life should be valued, respected, treasured. each life is unique, special, and worth it. this is my opinion... was my opinion until i met you. what human, could treat another human that badly... could sink that low just for a few seconds of anonymous pleasure to know they hurt someone. i didn't expect it from any human, and certaintly not from you.

Through your difficult times i stuck around, i put up with your shit and smiled through the pain. i pulled so many strings to make life a little easier for you, and listened and sympathised about the bad things in your life. Until it became evident you brought them on yourself. I stuck around for so long, under but the worst circumstances... used, feelings abused and ignored i stuck around still. trying to help in anyway i could. i turned against former friends or beliefs for you... because i thought there was more to you then anyone else knew... it turned out all the people that already hated you, gave you way to much credit when they spoke of you. turns out your lower then even they described.

a heart is a delicate thing, ive watched you destroy so many. a smile is a beautiful thing, ive watched you smash so many. a tear is a terrible thing, ive watched you draw so many. i have witnessed and felt the effects myself and paid the price asked for being your friend. I don't wish to regret anything in life, but i regret knowing you the way i did, i regret respecting you and given you ample chance to hurt so many.

i apologise to my friends for letting you effect them through me. and i apologise to your friends for having to put up with you when it's evident you have no life. i'm sorry that a human life was wasted on you, whatever you are... i'm sorry you were granted this gift of life as you so obviously abuse it.

life is a gift, love is a blessing. i hate to see you waste them.

how do you trust a boy who's lied to you

you answered it, you told me... you don't. now i see, you never meant it... what i knew was a lie all along, but hoped was from your heart... you never meant it. i know what happened don't think you can hide things from me... i know about the whole thing. but i still held on, why because when i give my heart, i don't break the promise that goes with it. But then you broke your promise. and i realised that i was looking at someone else, and someone else was creeping into my mind.. i was scared, this was bad. 3 days later... you helped me out, ended the rubbish we had become for me... so i owe you thanks, even if you left me slightly empty... you left me stronger and this time i'm really not crying, this time i was over it before it ended... and so prepared, this time i needed to go back to realise i had moved on... and the love i thought i still felt was the love of the idea of you, rather then you. i'm sorry that its finished now, for good... it's a chapter of my life that hurts to close... but it's easier closed now i realise i didn't even feel it shatter inside my heart i mean, it didn't break apart this time... in fact i think i felt it mend slightly i think i felt it patch up just a bit.

love, above all things i believe in love, love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love... and it's out there now, just waiting for me to stumble across it

INDIE

indiana jones!!

a call for help, he heard... she died.

a call for help and no one hears, how is that so different to a call for help and no one cares, or a call for help when it is impossible to fix.

the difference between no one hearing and no one caring, is no one caring hurts more... same result, different change. if you called for help before someone shot you and no one heard... you die. if you call for help before someone shot you and the person who heard didn't care and let you die, you would die knowing that no one cared for your life. If you call for help before someone shot you and no one could help you, you die and know that those who tried to help will live on knowing they failed to save your life.

same result, different change... we are effected so easily, but such things so small that alter us in huge ways... what are we?

why are we...

to go insane

screw it

with fear of sounding too emo

Death, no matter how insignificant shatters us all. unless you're the heartless bastard i thought would offer sympathy.

some people have this habbit of proving me wrong, when i put faith in someone, they go and fuck it up. when i hang on despite the fact that it hurts more and more each second... then they do the final slash and it was worthless. this isn't fun... but guess what, i go and do it again, and again, and again... until the day when my life is over. I know i care an amazing amount, because i know the shit i put up with from people and still care about them, still love them, still want them to be happy...

it's been 3 months since u screamed and 'hung up' on me and all u wanted was to hold me tight. (/bs) now you're calling to say hai and make out with me, but i think i need a little more time... im hesitating cause i dont wanna another break, and i want our love to be alright, truth is all im doing is missing ya. thinking about when im gonna see you.


i took my best friends advice... something your suppost to do... and ended up worse then i was before.. great.


one thing you should know, no matter where i go we'll always be together forever and ever

predictable

I smile You say I take your breathe away You say you love me and you make All the right promises to break. And when I turn around you're always there like that's the proof you really care. But I see right through you and I think to myself You're just so predictable In every way I want you to know I know your game It's so unbelievable... How you never change You won't get away with "loving me" You're just so predictable I run You say you won't give up the chase You say you'll follow me any place So you can make the same mistakes. You know just what to do And how to use the best of you To try and change my mind. But my eyes are opening this time And I read you You're just so predictable In every way I want you to know I know your game It's so unbelievable How you never change You won't get away With loving me You're just so predictable Now that I know your every move How you gonna hide baby what you gonna do Now that somebody knows the truth About you and how you're just so You're just so predictable In every way I want you to know I know your game It's so unbelievable How you never change You won't get away With loving me You're just so predictable


I'm not afraid to be alone... well the truth is i would die, but something has been missing from my life.

if you don't mean it

I don’t know how to feel Let the words Come easily to me. You seem lost in your thoughts... I find it hard to breath. Why won’t you tell me what it is, It’s driving me crazy trying to second guess yo. uDon’t say you love me I don’t believe it. Don’t say the words if you don’t mean it. Don’t wanna hear it out in the open. Keep it insideIf you don’t mean it, don’t even wanna talk about it. I don't know if i could live without it, if it’s right if it’s wrong will someone let me know. It’s a game I can play do I just let you go, maybe it’s just the way it is don’t say you love me I don’t believe it Don’t say the words If you don’t mean it Don’t wanna hear it Out in the open Keep it inside If you don’t mean it Don’t even wanna talk about it i hope i could live without it I just don’t wanna talk about it God knows I wanna live without it If you don’t mean it you gotta let me know Don’t say the words If you don’t mean it Don’t wanna hear it Out in the open Can’t take it back If you don’t mean it Don’t even wanna talk about

you're free to leave me just don't decieve me and please believe me when i say i love you.