down the dirt road

as the car trundled along the dirt rode i wached out the window at the passing bush that was the australian out back. i remembered the last time i'd driven down this road towards this destination, wide eyes and high expectations of this new holiday destination Donnely River. this time was different, this time i wanted the road to stretch on forever, i was scared of what i would have to face when i arrived. i hadn't been back since last summer, as much as i loved the place my reason for going back was him, and he wasn't there anymore. now it had been so long since i'd seen him, how different would it be... how different would he be. i knew what had happened. the car bumped over a crack in the road and i brought my attention back to where i was, in a small taxi with nothing but a small handbag as luggage. it was hot and the aircon wasnt working, i pulled my hair up into a loose pony tail off my neck in the hope of more comfort. no luck. the taxi slowed and i turned to the window again. i saw the small mining village swing into view and wached as the world around me came to a stand still. here i was. here i didn't want to be. but here i had to be or i couldn't live with myself. trying to steady my breathing i stepped slowly out of the taxi only to be nocked to the floor by a hysterical 9 year old. the tears flooding down her sweet little face reminded me of the heavyness of this visit. i let her lead me to one of the cottages dragging my feet, willing for the letter i'd recieved 2 days earlier to be wrong somehow. up the stairs. through the door. into the front bedroom. my heart leaped and as he turned all my hope vanished, it was obvious even though the sight of his strong body went against it, it was obvious he was a dead boy.

just for u pat. the modern day romeo and juliet... ill make u pay for the rest :P lol *tear*ryans so delicious

The thing is...

making my way down town walking fast faces pass and im home bound. staring blankly ahead just making my way through the crowd. look my typing changes colour how wonderful awesome!! =D well well well my little kiddies who read this crap... who is noone actually which makes me feel like a dawk for typing this... but anyhow im enjoying myself so i'll continue... isnt this year the greatest one ever!! oh wait sorry my conscience got to me, i was taught never to lie. THIS YEAR SUX =D ok that's better. Well my chikadees i wonder if anything for you has lately gone wrong... or maybe you're having an excellent year BECAUSE YOU STOLE ALL MY GOOD LUCK AND GOOD FORTUNE and all the other shit like that *evils*. im ok (y) calm. well well well i think maybe i sound slightly philosophical right now... maybe i listen to much to adam my best friend for life. :P who enjoys a robot on the phone's company better then mine! lol. i haven't written anything randomly uplifting for awhile... maybe never on this blog i cant remember i forgot what i posted. anywayz i think my shit sounds too depressing atm. and so i decided to start being random and uplifting again but first i have one downer paragraph please enjoy. (its this colour coz its depressing) well i have come to a revealation. things aren't just gonna get better. i have had an amazing life... why because i used up all the amazingness in the first 15 years. i have come to another conclusion that... nobody gives a shit, NOT EVEN ME... so why complain. my revealation is that i'm gonna get over myself now. ive spent way to much time on myself. and think about other people. they can take away my love, they can take away our money, they can take away my house, but they can't take away my spirit. SO... all you depressed schnoodles out there i will help you :) i get a kick outa that so make me feel better by helping you (y) dont be selfish and keep it to yourself. OK so back to uplifting im a happy chappy shit :D well. wosonmamind? well. actually a lot of things like how fail i am at contempory dance. i cant do the splits and that really hurt to try. *shakes hed* i'll stick to the tap dancing thanks. maybe u need a wake up call coz ur too comfortable u think because u bagged me u dont hav to work at all you'll be the prince and i'll be the princess. ladidadida xx

that hurt

I dedicate this blog to siana. And hayley. I would just like to show how dedicated I am to my two dear friends because this is written for them, the way they can read, and it's difficult *evils.* Je comme dire combien j'aime parler le français. I can see the smile upon your face,I can see it light up in your eyes,And just the way you look at her,That's the reason my heart dies;Once upon a time,In this fairy tale of mine,We were on each other's minds,Everything was going fine;In my perfect little world,There was no other girl,So I shut my eyes to her,Closed that door. I'd make this work!;Fought against all things bad,I just wanted what we had,Even though it drove me mad,And most days I was sad;I went through it all for you,Thought there was something i could do,I guess I thought you felt it too,So i kept on fighting through; When i see that smile upon your face, When i see it light up in your eyes, And see the way you look at her, That’s the reason my heart dies; It was perfect cause i wanted it to be, I got everything i wanted don’t you see, I said nothing could stand between you and me,.... So to me that’s how it seemed; But Now this hurt inside of me, Was Caused by total mystery, Their mistake wasn’t forseen, My time with him was cut clean; Torn right from my grasp, Who knew those mintues were his last, And now his time is past, When i see that smile upon your face, When i see it light up in your eyes, And see the way you look at her, That’s the reason my heart dies; It was perfect cause i wanted it to be, I got everything i wanted don’t you see, I said nothing could stand between you and me, So to me that’s how it seemed; random... yes. i wrote it as my thoughts wandered around my head :D. Anyway I think i did farely good with my grammer and shit. i even included ; those for Hayley. Siana i hope you don't understand it :) ..

Stolen

Breaking news. interrupting my movie. how annoying. Bushfire rages through marrysville, 35 people dead... no... no not that. no more please.... what else can be taken from me? when will it stop... will it not stop till there is nothing left. The continuous shattering of all i love, dust left behind as pieces crumble, slowly, surely it is all being taken. One piece fell away, one heart was broken. children left motherless, husband left wifeless, and me left without her. i watched the piece of my puzzle life fall out and crumble away, that was a piece i could never pick up and replace. Another piece lost. he left, he moved away. but this piece did not fall it was taken by him, and it did not crumble for he cherrished it and cared for it. this piece could be replaced it was just being borrowed by him. this piece although it hurt to remove did not sadden me to have it missing, this piece was his to take and keep. A third piece gone. This piece not fallen but torn from me, right from my heart. it left a burning hole or hatred, sorrow, sadness and lost love. it was torn from me by lies, mistakes, and a fool. this piece did not crumble, it was crushed and burnt by this fool. this piece aswell could never be fitted back into my puzzle of life. this piece as well was gone forever to leave the hole to burn. The fourth piece. this piece was different. this piece was two pieces, one straight from me, one in the hands of him. with his life gone there was no life for the piece left with him, it crumbled to dust, with it another piece went. this piece still in my puzzle tumbled out in my tears, it cracked from my heart, and shattered once outside. both of these pieces gone for good, taken away, broken. this must be all. a friend told me, nothing more can go. you are on rock bottom all you can do now is get upp and keep going up, every missing piece will not fill but will be mended by another, by other people's. for as he had that piece from me i would be given pieces from other people to care after. these pieces would fit into the gaps from my pieces, but never truly fill them. i agreed, i thanked him, he had given me hope for what was to come. a new smile, not as full as before but there none the less upon my face lead me through life for a few more weeks. concentrating on making this smile left me unaware, unobservant, and undefended. The breaking news, marrysville lost to the fires. the shattering was to continue after all... it wouldnt stop until there were no more pieces to take, until i was an empty void of brokenness, of dust and crumbled puzzles. the future looks bleak, the shattering will continue, what will be taken next i do not know, i will never have my whole picture again, this puzzle is broken.

disapearing

pushed out, taken over, full of doubt, im falling under. moving on, they're far infont, it'll take too long, im left behind. moving to fast, cant keep up, im coming last, im moving down. we're running a race, as fast as we can, but where's my place, find it i cant. there once woz a boi from japam who's limmeriks never went to plan when asked why he'd always reply because i try to fiit way to many sylabls in the last line i got bored

The music of my life

Every now and then we find a special friend who never lets us down. Who understands it all, reaches out each time we fall. You were that best friend that I’d found. I know you couldn’t stay, but part of you will never ever go away, your heart will stay. I made a wish for you, and I hoped that it would come true. That life would just be kind to such a gentle mind. I said if you lost your way, to think back on yesterday and remember me that way. You’re the missing piece I need, the reason that im singing, you’re the voice inside my head the reason I was smiling. I feel a kind of fear now I cant have you near. The first time I waved goodbye with an absentminded smile. Now you’re gone for good and I get a surge of that well known melancholy and I have to sit down for awhile. You see it was you and me moving at the speed of light. I remember all the nights we used to stay at home, on the phone, all night long. We used to talk about the things we really wanted to do, that was me and you. I remember how you used to say have no fear be ok. That anything I wanted was possible, we could have it all. And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives where we’re gonna be when we turn 25. I keep hoping things just haven’t changed keep on thinking things will always be the same. But now you’ve left this year and you wont be coming back. Now im moving on and I cant slow down our memories are playing like a film without sound. I keep thinking about that night back then I didn’t know much of love but it came too soon, with your hands in mine, when we were intertwined everything was fine. And who could believe, that this could be true, that this could be me, that this could be you. Then there was me and you and then we got real blue. We’d get so excited and we’d get so scared laughing at ourselves thinking life’s not fair. I keep thinking that it’s not goodbye, but now I know it was your time to fly. But now you see there’s no fear at all, you held my hand we took down that wall. and now im making my way down town walking fast faces past and im home bound. just staring blankly ahead making my way, just making a way through the crowd. i still need you. i still miss you. and now i wonder, if i could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by coz you know id die a thousand times if i could just see you tonight. and on the day i fall in love skys will be a perfect blue and ill give my heart forever more to someone who is just like you. <3 p.s ryan is awesome

ash <3

once we didnt know each other... it seems like so long ago now, although it woznt much more then a year... well a year 2 weeks ago wasnt it. donnelly river... a place i fell in love with immediately, sheltered a boi i would come to love. we met... we laughed... we hung out... it woz fun. i woz sorry to leave, there woz potential there, of a good friend... maybe more. what news :D what smiles he was moving. his parents sold donelly river :( but he's moving closer. i can see him again. we grew closer. he bought me gifts he made me laugh we hada ball. he sat with me in the park when i woz hurting, when people werent nice and it woz cold. he listened to my dad yell at him and slam the door in his face... oh y he bothered i will never no. slowly i found myself beginning to love him and before i new it i woz completely in love. but what would he say i didnt no. i was scared of rejection and loosing him... we could have been lovers... it woz there for awhile but it seems the great one that controls all that had other plans... we were more then that. my love for him grew beyond romance to form a bond stronger. he too felt this way. he became a brother to me... it would kill me to see him in pain. and i would give anything to help him. he told people i woz his little sister, he knew everything about me. and i knew eeverything about him. his mother died. he moved away, far away over seas. it tore me apart to be seperated from him. he woz as close as ffamily... it wos almost to say i needed him. then the terrible news.... he fell ill too. now... now he's not here anymore, now he's not here to listen to me and laugh at me and be my big brother. now he's not here for me to make fun of, for me to know the weaknesses of. now he's not here, but his memory is. from strangers, to aquaintances, to friends, to lovers, to as close as family we have grown together, changed together and now we die apart. him far too young and me still waiting for my end. Ash Butler may you rest in peace my dear dear ash and may u watch over me and know that i will never forget u. i miss you <3>

school time agen

well its official... the school year has begun. my it feels like we never left even though its been a good 2 months away from the learning buildings. everyone does look different though. some people are sporting hot new hairstyles while others are trying to get by in vain with their nooby new hairstyles. everyone's a little different in size too, some taller, fatter, thinner and some even shorter... (unless everyone grew but me i think that inlcudes me.) a very nerdy pair of friends even got so excited about school going back that they turned up at 8am! woo go us! *cough* i mean them! ... ok ok so we had good reason... our parents loved our little siblings more and wanted to drop them off and walk them into their schools so we got stuck rocking up nice and early. anyway, all in all we're all bak as year 11's no matter how different, still here still trying to make it work for us New faces appeared in my group of friends todai as we frightened them with our... warm... padbury welcome. *shakes hed* no even in writing i dont think i can make it believable that we are scary... the little year 8's could never be as scared of us as we were of the big year 11's and 12's when we started out. My year has begun full on with me coming out of the closet as an official loser... yes i made a music video to the song honey honey... i made it to make people laugh i made it to entertain. now there is no returning all my shame behind me im out to continue to entertain. to rock the business i love best. its good to have fun... even at your own reputations cost :P live it , love it , laugh at it. xx seeya later kiddies