Sometimes I walk a little faster in the school hallway just to get next to you.


Sometimes I walk a little slower just to see if you'll try to get next to me


Sometimes I wish a little harder just to try and see if it will come true

Sometimes I wonder if you ever make a little wish to do with me


Sometimes I want a little more and everything I want has something to do, with you. 

And how do you feel about that..

I feel empty.. Like my feelings just got so mixed up they done gone and left. 


I understand the saying about having a weight on your chest.. and needing to get it off. I feel like someone's constantly pushing on me, crushing my chest.


I feel like my stomach is trying to tie itself into knots, or curl up in a ball so it can hide away. 


I feel like during a day 3/4 of my smiles are fake..


I feel like I want a hug.. I want someone to take my hand and say that everything else doesn't matter for a second.. that for just a second I'm safe and someone's caring.


I want to believe I'm strong enough to do things, and that makes me feel like I might never be. 

Numbers

Numbers. Like a boss.


2 months in relationship

16 days till melbourne vacay

4 months and 16 days till P's 


1 month till uni resumes

that's all I can think of.. happy 1st of July

always look on the bright side of life

May 31st

Goodbye May..


It was good while it lasted but it's time for you to get out


I may be the only one counting but surviving a month as official makes me happy :)

So tomorrow is my one month success with my amazing boyfriend :) And nothing special will happen.. I will study.. go to work, be normal.. but I'll feel just a little bit warm and fuzzy inside all day :)


Juuneeeee, what's up Juuune. I have to say June, I'm a little bit disappointed in you already, bringing exams around like this, how dare you. 


Oh well, alls well that ends well.. and I have a reason to smile so life is ok :)

Oh you make me smile

You know what's awesome in life?... Delightful things. But maybe that's just me. I love the way delightful feels when you say it. I smile everytime I say it and it makes me a little bit happy inside. 


As soon as I say something is not delightful I have a little giggle and then that nondelightful thing doesn't suck so bad. So... I think that delightful is a delightful thing..


I love random little things that just make me smile. It's like brightening up your whole day, even if it wasn't a bad day those little things just make you giddy inside. 


Compliments are awesome! And not just getting them.. Complimenting someone else and watching them light up feels amazing.. it's like yeah, I just did that. And of course getting compliments yourself is never a bad thing ;) 


Getting a text that makes you smile. It's like yeah, I'm sitting here, all alone on the train not feeling too fantastic and suddenly bam! someones thinking of me and I feel all special and included again! 


Late night conversations.. are usually awesome. There are exceptions so don't judge me if your life is full of crappy late night conversations. And there's so many different types of late night conversations! There's those late nights when you're cramming in an assignment or last minute study for an exam and you're all hyped up on coffee and stressed and the conversations you have with your other hyped up stressed studying friends are purely excellent. There's deep and meaningful conversations with friends about sad stuff, serious stuff, big decisions, random stuff etc. And of course there's being cuddled up in your bed on the phone to that special someone because if they can't be with you right then.. the late night conversations work pretty hard at making up for that.


Your own imagination is a wonderful place.. or at least mine sure is, my god you should see the amazing life I'm living in there. But more importantly the delightful thing is, people in your life that make you smile just because you thought of them...


Oh you make me smile.. 

A Little Piece Of Me..

I don't know why I bother to blog.. but sometimes I just feel like I really want to write. I desperately want to write something big and moving and deep and fabulous.. but I can't. I s'pose I sort of diary out random stuff on here.. because the idea of a diary makes me feel awkward. I feel like a crazy person scribbling down my inner most thoughts and desires into a little book as if I'm talking to someone. This isn't any different and I probably still am crazy.. but it feels like it has more purpose. Another thing that's wrong with the diary is I feel like it's judging me. Do you know how crap your life feels when you think everyone, including your own diary, is judging you!? And I won't write down anything too serious or true because someone might read it or somehow something bad will happen because of it. So I gave up on the idea of serious diary writing because journaling about my day = incredibly boring crap and writing down my feelings = not gonna happen. 


I do have a memory diary though. Slowly I'm taking down the different memories that I've stuck on my wall and I'm sticking them all in this little book where I'm writing about the memory tied to the object. This one doesn't feel as silly as normal diaries because I'm writing this one for me so I won't forget these things that still seem important to me. Maybe one day I'll throw this diary away.. maybe I'll never finish it, or never look at it again.. but it makes me happy when i see it sitting there on my shelf. 


I'm weird..


Look at that.. I even avoided talking about feelings in a blog titled 'a little piece of me'. how fantastic. 

Stuck in my head

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes.. make you feel unpretty too. I was told I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you. Look into the mirror who's inside there, the one with the long hair.. Same old me again today..


My outsides are cool, my insides are blue.. everytime I think I'm through it's because of you.. I've tried different ways but it's still the same. At the end of the day I have myself to blame. I'm just trippen


You can buy your hair if it won't grow.. you can fix your nose if he says so. You can buy all the make up that mac can make. But if, you can't look inside you, find out who am I too.. be in a position to make me feel so .. damn unpretty.


I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright.


and I pity.. any girl who isn't me tonight


you can buy your hair if it won't grow, you can fix your nose if he says so. You can buy all the make up that mac can make.. but if you can't llook inside you, find out who am I too. Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty.


I feel pretty.. but unpretty

when you mean it you should say it a lot.. people forget (L)

When someone loves you, they say your name different.. you know that your name is safe in their mouth..




Love is when someone hurts you... and you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings




Love is what makes you smile when you're tired




You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot... People forget

Don't be what I'm afraid of.. 

well

I don't want your advice, I don't want your ideas.. I just want someone to hold me till I've run out of tears






Those moments that feel like you've been stabbed in the gut and left empty.. 

I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong.. I don't mean to carry on.. I just miss you

A poem about your typical day

No I'm going to quit if I have to keep writing poems.

a poem about your favourite colour

Fricken poems.. 


wel nothing rhymes with purple i think, so i will go with blue..


I like blue, mhm it's true, I think it's really, really cool.. 


yes i know my poems are beyond awesome ..

your favourite holiday

My favourite holiday place was Paris... such a fantastic place with such an awesome language :P

I dislike the ones on this challenge asking about favourite things.. My favourite holidays could be when I go back to Melbourne, although it reminds me that I don't live there anymore.. Europe is somewhere I've always wanted to travel and even though it waaas with my family (:p) it was still an enjoyable holiday.. other places I've gone have been awesome as well.. America was amazing and the chance to go as a performance group was pretty cool. Going with students my age instead of a family was a very different experience and I think that sort of experience suits New York better. 


um.. yeah

Write one sentence that's honest

you drive me wild

write about your best friend(s)

yeah.. well.. I think I'm kinda over that label. I mean I know who I'm close to and I know who matters but everything becomes awkward when you make one person your best friend and I mean technically you can't have more than one BEST friend and I always said this and people thought I was weird but w/e


s'pose I'd better start with adam cause otherwise he'd find out I didn't somehow and bash me.. yes, the person I'm scared of being bashed by would be one of my closest friends.. Adam is a very energetic person and sometimes I forget that he's older than me but then he whips out his wise chinese proverb things and I remember that he really is like an old man. We pretty much have fights every second day but I always feel so wanted when I'm around him and he makes me feel like a worthwhile friend. I enjoy stirring him up because his reactions are always funny, except when they involve him picking me up and threatening to throw me onto the road.. it's cool that we can just be retarded and I trust that even if he's judging me it's nothing concrete. 


he's the only friend I've ever had a serious cry in front of.. until that time when I was drunk.....

good times with adam

Something that gets on my nerves

hmmmmm............. 


people being hypocritical gets on my nerves.. 


.. Jamie gets on my nerves

where you wish you were right now and why

hah, well that's just far too appropriate for my current position.


I wish I was in Melbourne.. I've always wanted to go back since I left.. but it's so much worse now


I expect anyone reading this (and I know I would do the same were I the reader) would turn away or grimace if I started my explanation with "see there is this boy.." but that just about captures it.

A poem about anything

...poems, yay.


Daydreams


in my mind I'm far away, I'm having a glorious day, I'll be where I always go, and who I'm with is easy to know... everything is great, and the only thing I hate, is the fact that I'll have to leave and come out of my make-believe.. back to my reality, a life that is substantially, lacking in awesome without you. 


you make me smile, you drive me wild, you're super fine, please be mine, there's nothing I would choose to do, over being in love with you. 

A list of things that make you happy

Haha oh god...


well... chocolate does make me very joyful...


some people in my life make me so so happy, ryan, tyla, my mum.. occasionally my siblings, adam on his good days :p


music.. but it can also make me sad.. but sad in a happy sort of way..


laughter.. it really is contagious 


kids on trains, and by kids i mean like not yet in school kids.. they're so excited about it all and their happiness is so heart warming


inside jokes, are brilliant


singing makes me joyful, all that extra oxygen makes me giggly


so many things make me happy but those are the ones I can think of right now 

A cause I support

Hmm.. I support a few causes I s'pose, none like crazy though.


I spose I'll put world vision here cause of our sponsor child Mary who is so awesome. I've been writing to her for a few years now and she sends me little pieces of jewelry that she's made and they're so beautiful.. and I guess I just hope that we helped her in some way :) 

A memory from my childhood

Hmm.. well I have lots of memories D:


... I will write about... the first time I went to Glenrock


This probably tops my list of favourite places... not to live but just to be. The first time I went there I must have been like.. 6 or 5 or something and my Grandpa took me camping near the lagoon. We had our little green tent and a glowstick that we'd hang from the top when it got dark.. I don't remember too much of what happened.. I know we watched the fish jump yay and we had weetbix for breakfast, thats like my main memory, eating weetbix with my grandpa haha yay. And thats when I collected my Glenrock rock that I still have today with my name written on it and some more details about the day :) But that's my first memory of the place that I absolutely love.. I hope I manage to get back there some day now that my grandparents have left nsw :(

Write about something you want to accomplish

There are many things I wish to accomplish but I think the one at the front of my mind right now will be what I write about.


I want to move to melbourne. I want to be good enough to live on my own and make the move. I want the strength to leave this support behind and get out of here. I can't be here much longer... and yet I highly doubt I have the courage and ability to move out of here yet. 

Write about your hero

I've never really... singled anyone out to be my hero I don't think.. 


I might write about my mum. Because I hope that when I'm older and dealing with real issues and not teenage ones I can stay as strong as she does. Now that I'm older I can see everything she puts up with from everyone who is supposed to support her and make sure she's ok. I s'pose it's the same for any parent but I'm so impressed at her ability to raise three kids without going insane. Especially when we don't make it easy for her in any way. She puts everyone first always and so many times has missed out on what she wants. I wish I could just make some of the bad stuff for her disappear.


I might write about my highschool drama teacher Mr. Bell. I feel that he is one of my heroes in that he saved me from myself. Who knows what I would have done without musicals and drama in my life. I know I seem to have gone off that path but it's always going to be the most important part of my life, and Bell showed me that that's definately worth it. He gave me so many opportunities and made me feel like I belonged. And as you all know, a feeling of belonging is very important to teenagers going through high school. He created a world that I wanted to live in and if I could give to other people, a fraction of what he gave to me and others.. I would be so proud. 

A letter to an enemy

Dear enemy,


fuck you.


i have yet to see how you have helped me in life. so thanks for being a fucking prick

A letter to a friend

Hmm, Dear.. friend?


I shall write to tyla... just cause i don't think i have in previous challenges :)

Hi tyla,
         well well well, if i were to write you a letter what would I say.. I'd put memories in it i imagine :)
Do you remember my nickname for you used to be sxc chipmunk :D yeah we were cool, those were the days of Dare To Promise.. when your hair wouldn't part in the middle to make pigtails, gosh you're so difficult sometimes :P


I love the times we've had in school plays together you've been there the whole time I think you just might be one of the only people that has been :) I love the way we can laugh at pretty much anything and that when I'm with you I don't feel like I have to take the sad or bad stuff in my life so seriously because it doesn't have to matter :)

you have the most energy I have ever seen! and it's very contagious and this is simply awesome and when we get all hyped up on V I love how people freak out :p I'm very grateful to have you because I can really be myself around you, you don't judge me for the shallow things I feel (because we all have them) and we can be girly and talk about looking good, or we can be retarded and make really bad jokes and we can be slobs and do random shit :) 


I guess I'm just grateful you are and have been in my life, whether we've been super close or semi close throughout high school you have always been awesome and I have never doubted that I could turn to you for anything and that I would be there for you whenever you needed it :)

Life from a different point of view

See life from a different point of view... Isn't that what we all wanna do.. step into someone else's shoes and just chase away the blues.

A note about myself

Well.. this is the first post from my 30 day challenge so that's something about me, I enjoy doing these random challenges :)

My full name is Madeleine although for the most part I rather being called Maddy.. when I started university I considered introducing myself as Madeleine so that no one knew me as Maddy but I found that letting go of the nickname felt a lot like letting go of high school me and I wasn't quite ready to move on that quickly.


I love university and find the lifestyle of it a lot nicer than high school, but I do definitely miss aspects of high school. I don't have a great number of friends but for now that suits me just fine. I have a few really close ones and then a whole number that I will see at parties and in classes etc that I don't feel the need to know on a highly personal level. 


I have trouble getting to know people on a personal level because I want to know all about them and learn everything I can but I never want to open up myself and this obviously puts a strain on any friendships. I think this is one of the reasons I decided to study Psychology because as the Psychologist you are there for the client and to hear them talk and to work out what is wrong and what you can do to help, never does it directly involve you releasing your inner most thoughts and feelings in return. 


If I fall for someone and they like me back this is probably the time when I'm happiest in life because no matter what else is going on, once I've donned those rose tinted specks everything is delightful.. unfortunately I'm not good at navigating my way through this world and so this is a rarity for me. 


I get easily nervous and shy and often feel out of my comfort zone and this isn't something I enjoy but it's something I've learnt to accept and if i expect it I find it easier to work around it and break out of my shell sooner. I'm not an alcoholic but I do enjoy a good time and the only time I drink is when I'm binge drinking at a party. I enjoy this feeling because it takes away those inhibitions and fears that hold me back so often and I feel like I can finally connect with people in a different way and just enjoy myself without worrying about what's going on.


One of my favourite past times is to laugh.. I will laugh at just about everything. Laughing is my defense so if I'm nervous or unsure about how to respond to something I will probably laugh, If I'm laying on my back and you touch me, I will laugh hysterically and I'm still not sure why. I'm incredibly ticklish and so as much as I hate being tickled the best laughs I get are whilst being tickled. Funny people really check my box because I enjoy being around them because of the joy they create in the world by making people laugh. I'm one of those people that really does believe in the power of the smile, and that it is highly contagious. 


there's probably a lot more stuff I could, or should, have told you, possibly instead of half the stuff I did say, but that's about it from me today and I shall report back tomorrow

new 30 day challenge

Day 1- Write a note about yourself.

Day 2- Write a poem about life from a different point of view.


Day 3- Write a letter to a friend.


Day 4- Write a letter to an enemy. (Leave out names.)


Day 5- Write about your hero.


Day 6- Write about something you want to accomplish. 


Day 7- Write about a memory from your childhood.


Day 8- Write about a cause you support.


Day 9- Write a list of things that make you happy, tag anyone you mention.


Day 10- Write a poem about anything.


Day 11- Write about where you wish you were right now, and why.


Day 12- Write about something that gets on your nerves.


Day 13- Write about your best friend(s).


Day 14- Write a sentence that's honest. Just a sentence.


Day 15- Write about your favorite holiday.


Day 16- Write a poem about your favorite color.


Day 17- Wrote a poem about your typical day.


Day 18- Write a short story about an extra-ordinary day.


Day 19- Write a haiku.


Day 20- Write about something you believe in.


Day 21- Write about anything that you feel like you need to say. (Even if its indirect.)


Day 22- Write about the best thing that happened to you today.


Day 23- Write a "thank you" note to someone you appreciate.


Day 24- Write about your favorite teacher so far.


Day 25- Write about something you like to do, other than writing. (;


Day 26- Write about a place you've been before.


Day 27- Write about someone you miss.


Day 28- Write about your guilty pleasure.


Day 29- Write a poem about something you regret.


Day 30- Write about your favorite toy from when you were little.

wishes

I just want to mean something again.. 

Bubbling over

If I no longer thought of you, I feel as though I would have hardly any thoughts at all.




Even when the outside stimulation seems to have no relation to you at all, I find myself thinking of how you would react or whether or not you would laugh.


I miss the little things.. 




I try to keep you out of my mind as much as I can because all I know while I'm thinking of you is how much I can't have you.