im blogging to stay awake right now. so dont try to find a point in it :P my tummy is being gurgly :S and my head is spinning round. my bodies freazing cold but my face is burning hot. my arms hav no energy at all i can barely type this haha. thats dedication for you.
i.. know... my fault
soon i'll have to hear what my teachers think of me. yey... i dont think i can bloody well walk that far. god its an effort just to sit up...
yeye for finishing my song. oooo think im gonna be sick. yey
well this was pointless.
0
minds all over the place
too lovely, to sweet, too iresistable to every guy you meet, too wonderful, too fine, to unaproachable ever to be mine... she's just to wonderful she's just too sweet she's just too beautiful beautiful for me.
ok so sorry that was in my head and i had to type it out somewhere :P
So exciting the audience will stomp and cheer so delighting it will run for 50 years... yeah sorry that was in my head too :)
when you're gone though i try how can i carry on. you seem so far away though you're standing near, you made me feel alive but something died i fear.
so when you're near me darling can't you hear me SOS
*cough cough* im feeling rather musical this arvo :P
well todai was carap. yep. god i wish so hard that it would change here. everything's the same... everyday i feel sick to the stomach going through the day. everyday i know no one cares and i dont care so why are we all pretending. poker face whenever someone comes near, run away when i can't keep it there any more... is that how i'm damned to spend my days? joy. i won't lie... there are good times, and good people. it's not them. i can't even say what it is... just the atmosphere the all over feel... the wanting to wake up in the morning without feeling sick and without thinking "fuck."
How could i hope and never see this foolish dream was destroying me,
How could i lie and defend you for so long when i knew what you would do. i knew what you would do
i saw it coming from a mile away, i kept on running with you anyway, i swore i could keep ya facing my way, and now there's one thing left to say
my words... these days... are fake... and i dont really mean them.
You were everything more, you were all i was searching for, when i didn't know what to do, you were there and that's how i knew, you were everything more you were all i was searching for, even though i try to deny how i loved and now how i die, you were everything more you were all i was searching for.
How could i freeze and hide away my longing heart for even a day,
How could i lie to defend me for so long when i knew what that could do. oh i knew what that could do.
I saw it coming from a mile away, i started planning almost right away, i swore that i would be ok, and now there's one thing left to say.
My words... these days... are fake... and i don't really mean them.
you were everything more, you were all i was searching for, when i didn't know what to do, you were there and that's how i knew, you were everything more, you were all i was searching for, even though i try to deny how i loved and now how i die, you were everything more, you were all i was searching for.
Cause after everything we've been through, Guess it's no surprise i like you, i could hide away forever, but in my heart i would know... that it was a lie.
C/
Well that's me song mates... finished with all music to it too im so proud yey.
fuck life i need a break.
ok so sorry that was in my head and i had to type it out somewhere :P
So exciting the audience will stomp and cheer so delighting it will run for 50 years... yeah sorry that was in my head too :)
when you're gone though i try how can i carry on. you seem so far away though you're standing near, you made me feel alive but something died i fear.
so when you're near me darling can't you hear me SOS
*cough cough* im feeling rather musical this arvo :P
well todai was carap. yep. god i wish so hard that it would change here. everything's the same... everyday i feel sick to the stomach going through the day. everyday i know no one cares and i dont care so why are we all pretending. poker face whenever someone comes near, run away when i can't keep it there any more... is that how i'm damned to spend my days? joy. i won't lie... there are good times, and good people. it's not them. i can't even say what it is... just the atmosphere the all over feel... the wanting to wake up in the morning without feeling sick and without thinking "fuck."
How could i hope and never see this foolish dream was destroying me,
How could i lie and defend you for so long when i knew what you would do. i knew what you would do
i saw it coming from a mile away, i kept on running with you anyway, i swore i could keep ya facing my way, and now there's one thing left to say
my words... these days... are fake... and i dont really mean them.
You were everything more, you were all i was searching for, when i didn't know what to do, you were there and that's how i knew, you were everything more you were all i was searching for, even though i try to deny how i loved and now how i die, you were everything more you were all i was searching for.
How could i freeze and hide away my longing heart for even a day,
How could i lie to defend me for so long when i knew what that could do. oh i knew what that could do.
I saw it coming from a mile away, i started planning almost right away, i swore that i would be ok, and now there's one thing left to say.
My words... these days... are fake... and i don't really mean them.
you were everything more, you were all i was searching for, when i didn't know what to do, you were there and that's how i knew, you were everything more, you were all i was searching for, even though i try to deny how i loved and now how i die, you were everything more, you were all i was searching for.
Cause after everything we've been through, Guess it's no surprise i like you, i could hide away forever, but in my heart i would know... that it was a lie.
C/
Well that's me song mates... finished with all music to it too im so proud yey.
fuck life i need a break.
Posted by
madsie
to blog or not to blog...
that is the question.
well well well why not blog... what question is there... if you have a place where you can freely put down your emotions without people you dont want to read reading it. GO FOR IT. it's fun, it's addictive and its awesome when you have chocolate too.
talk about anything. i talk about my feelings and yeah... i'm sad to admit that the overall tone of my blog is pretty depressed like. well just to let you know, i'm not a depressed like person, i love being happy and i'm not easily phased by upsetting situations, i forget about them and let them pass... dont talk about it you know. well as much as i dont give these feelings a second thought when i search through me they're there and without closure they will always continue to upset the flow of my life... therefore i blog them out, i admit it that im feeling this even if it's a tiny feeling i admit it and write it down... and then it's gone :)
blog about love
blog about hope
blog about hurt
put in your blog a letter you would write to someone... a letter you're never gonna send but at least you wrote it down
blog about your day
blog about your best friend
blog about blogging ffs!
just blog because it helps because it acts as closure because you won't trust anyone, not even your best friend to help you there... blog because you won't let people help you, blog to help yourself
yey
well well well why not blog... what question is there... if you have a place where you can freely put down your emotions without people you dont want to read reading it. GO FOR IT. it's fun, it's addictive and its awesome when you have chocolate too.
talk about anything. i talk about my feelings and yeah... i'm sad to admit that the overall tone of my blog is pretty depressed like. well just to let you know, i'm not a depressed like person, i love being happy and i'm not easily phased by upsetting situations, i forget about them and let them pass... dont talk about it you know. well as much as i dont give these feelings a second thought when i search through me they're there and without closure they will always continue to upset the flow of my life... therefore i blog them out, i admit it that im feeling this even if it's a tiny feeling i admit it and write it down... and then it's gone :)
blog about love
blog about hope
blog about hurt
put in your blog a letter you would write to someone... a letter you're never gonna send but at least you wrote it down
blog about your day
blog about your best friend
blog about blogging ffs!
just blog because it helps because it acts as closure because you won't trust anyone, not even your best friend to help you there... blog because you won't let people help you, blog to help yourself
yey
Posted by
madsie
figured it out
i knew there was a reason that the call of freedom was so loud to me. i knew that some force somewhere was trying to get me out of something before it happend. but i never answered that call... i never left when i should have... i stayed, and i out-stayed my welcome. it happend... the thing that the forces were trying to help me avoid, the thing i never thought would happen.
i knew i would make a mistake somewhere... or that simply feelings would change, people would change and i would simply run out here. I thought i could handle it. i thought that i was detached enough to let it run it's corse before i left. i was wrong.
The holes left in my heart from past mistakes burn once again as a new hole forces through. i didn't realise how dependent i had allowed myself to become, now i can see it. when i would wake in the morning, no matter what was on my mind... or what i wanted to think, something that never failed to bring a smile to my face... people, people i had grown to love. i would go to school wondering what funny things, what stupid things would happen and what these people would say. friends... a word i never fully allowed myself to understand until now. One shining light amongst my garden of friends was a light i could barely face a day without. I never realised... i guess it's like people addicted to smokes... saying sure they can quit whenever they like until they try it and realise how dependent on them they are.
This shining light stood tall... higher then the rest, risen above and beyond the call of friendship. and it all started as an act... improv practice i had called it. i called out to this light i beckoned it and welcomed its light and warmth happily. i let it warm me and was blind to the fact that it melted the icy walls to the inner me.
I try to prise myself away from this comfort and now realise how dependent on light i have become. how the help i recieved altered me to now not even want to go on without it. alone i feel so cold now... my world is so dark... whenever the thought of loosing this light crosses my mind my body shows my thoughts in a slight shiver. i don't like the thought and the reality would be even worse. without light life is hard... everyone has light somewhere and i found it in a friend, somewhere i never thought i would.
i knew i would make a mistake somewhere... or that simply feelings would change, people would change and i would simply run out here. I thought i could handle it. i thought that i was detached enough to let it run it's corse before i left. i was wrong.
The holes left in my heart from past mistakes burn once again as a new hole forces through. i didn't realise how dependent i had allowed myself to become, now i can see it. when i would wake in the morning, no matter what was on my mind... or what i wanted to think, something that never failed to bring a smile to my face... people, people i had grown to love. i would go to school wondering what funny things, what stupid things would happen and what these people would say. friends... a word i never fully allowed myself to understand until now. One shining light amongst my garden of friends was a light i could barely face a day without. I never realised... i guess it's like people addicted to smokes... saying sure they can quit whenever they like until they try it and realise how dependent on them they are.
This shining light stood tall... higher then the rest, risen above and beyond the call of friendship. and it all started as an act... improv practice i had called it. i called out to this light i beckoned it and welcomed its light and warmth happily. i let it warm me and was blind to the fact that it melted the icy walls to the inner me.
I try to prise myself away from this comfort and now realise how dependent on light i have become. how the help i recieved altered me to now not even want to go on without it. alone i feel so cold now... my world is so dark... whenever the thought of loosing this light crosses my mind my body shows my thoughts in a slight shiver. i don't like the thought and the reality would be even worse. without light life is hard... everyone has light somewhere and i found it in a friend, somewhere i never thought i would.
Posted by
madsie
want
so i want a new. i want to completely forget everything of my past. to be somewhere else and nobody there knows about here... knows about what and who i was and who i was with. nobody there knows of my mistakes here... nobody there knows that the person that just came into their lives is so different to the person who left everyones lives here. thats what i want... to completely loose the person i am now and be who i want to be, start over... with no past.
but someone else's wants are stronger. somebody wants to stay because their job isn't bad here. somebody would "die" if i left. somebody would kill me if i made them move. but when is it my turn... to forget what everyone else wants and do what i want... no what i need to do. when is it my turn to smile and mean it again... when is it my turn at a second chance.
perhaps never... but that doesnt change the options... i was joking with a friend... about running... i mean i have my ipod so im good... well maybe i wasn't joking maybe that's my plan, maybe i'm just storing up the courage and never had or will have to do it. maybe hitting the road is what i need to do. i look out the window... i see the road stretch out before me and i dream of being free away with no time limits no need to return... to just run, and never look back. my heart aches litrelly thinking about it... it hurts me to see it so close and no i dont have the guts to do it yet. but i will soon... if i cant leave freely i will forcibly.
but how much would i destroy how many people would i hurt... do i really care though? yes i do... and that's whats stopping me from right this moment leaving. that's it... the people i would hurt.
if for 5 minutes i could stop caring i could do it
it's wat i want
this place is burning my heart and i cant take no more for real
but someone else's wants are stronger. somebody wants to stay because their job isn't bad here. somebody would "die" if i left. somebody would kill me if i made them move. but when is it my turn... to forget what everyone else wants and do what i want... no what i need to do. when is it my turn to smile and mean it again... when is it my turn at a second chance.
perhaps never... but that doesnt change the options... i was joking with a friend... about running... i mean i have my ipod so im good... well maybe i wasn't joking maybe that's my plan, maybe i'm just storing up the courage and never had or will have to do it. maybe hitting the road is what i need to do. i look out the window... i see the road stretch out before me and i dream of being free away with no time limits no need to return... to just run, and never look back. my heart aches litrelly thinking about it... it hurts me to see it so close and no i dont have the guts to do it yet. but i will soon... if i cant leave freely i will forcibly.
but how much would i destroy how many people would i hurt... do i really care though? yes i do... and that's whats stopping me from right this moment leaving. that's it... the people i would hurt.
if for 5 minutes i could stop caring i could do it
it's wat i want
this place is burning my heart and i cant take no more for real
Posted by
madsie
lucky...
lucky the cat.
lucky the dog
lucky it wasn't the baby ey
together or not my dance won't stop.
it's like catching lightening the chances of finding someone like you. it's one in a million the chances of feeling the way we do. so with every step together, we just keep on getting better, so can i have this dance :) can i have this dance...
lucky the dog
lucky it wasn't the baby ey
together or not my dance won't stop.
it's like catching lightening the chances of finding someone like you. it's one in a million the chances of feeling the way we do. so with every step together, we just keep on getting better, so can i have this dance :) can i have this dance...
Posted by
madsie
The Ootze
Look you all do things that are beautiful and magic and then there's me and... there's gotta be more to life then this.
don't write a note don't shout it out show me. Don't tell your friend don't mope about show me! If you can feel all that you say don't let it fade SHOW ME! if you will risk all that you have don't let that waste SHOW ME!
If you can be all that i need dont change for me just show me. if you can hear the notes on the wind please sing along and show me. If you can see the wonders around don't let them pass please show me. If you can hold my heart in your care don't make me wait show me.
Oh wouldn't it be lovely if i could read minds... oh how do i wish i could read minds... maybe i wouldn't, like what i'd hear, but maybe i'd take it and get over my fear, wouldn't i love to hear what you think, To know if that guy would buy me a drink, Why must you hide your thoughts of me why cant you just show me!
don't write a note don't shout it out show me. Don't tell your friend don't mope about show me! If you can feel all that you say don't let it fade SHOW ME! if you will risk all that you have don't let that waste SHOW ME!
If you can be all that i need dont change for me just show me. if you can hear the notes on the wind please sing along and show me. If you can see the wonders around don't let them pass please show me. If you can hold my heart in your care don't make me wait show me.
Oh wouldn't it be lovely if i could read minds... oh how do i wish i could read minds... maybe i wouldn't, like what i'd hear, but maybe i'd take it and get over my fear, wouldn't i love to hear what you think, To know if that guy would buy me a drink, Why must you hide your thoughts of me why cant you just show me!
Posted by
madsie
i wanna be. i wanna be. i wanna be famous
mama who bore me. mama who gave me. mama the angels who made me so sad
now its time to pack up and move again. say goodbye to all my frends cant say when ill be there again its time now to turn around, turn ma bak on everything.
well well well... wosonmamind... my crap dancing skills? yeah how everyone loved them /sarcasm. oh what a fail. The disapointment of zac stealing my center stage spot next to sam? stupid boi. no not really... i wish that was all that was on my mind, how easy life would be then.
no wosonmamind is everything, everything that i wanted, wot was ment to be, supposed to be before i lost it. all this time we were pretending so much for my happy ending. no wosonmamind is feelings, confusion... the fact that i have a headache, and that my hip hurts... stupid bench. wosonmamind is that i never get anything right and im searching for solutions to problems that i've created. wosonmamind is finding a way to make it better for me and everyone else finding a way to right what wrongs i've caused. that's wots on my mind
but then there's a lot more on my mind too. there's my plans for the future both near and far. there's my considerations of where to go now. who am i going to please first me... or the few people i'll upset by pleasing me. oh the decision. it's like that question would you choose to go to heaven while all your friends are sent to hell to enable you to go to heaven... or go to hell to let them go on to heaven... that's a pretty obvious choice for me... so is that what i do in this situation then?
wosonmamind is my assignment which i should be doing right now... but it's so much work and i dont want to get started yet. wosonmamind is failing as a person because my expert control over my emotions is slipping. my expert handle on controlling what is seen, sending out false emotions to get the right response and hiding everything true is fading. my control is crumbling as i find myself struggling to regain power over myself. i feel like im floundering around in waters to deep for me... struggling for air and calmness from my thrashing about. i feel like i dont know anymore. and i dont know who to go to to pull me bak together again.
now its time to pack up and move again. say goodbye to all my frends cant say when ill be there again its time now to turn around, turn ma bak on everything.
well well well... wosonmamind... my crap dancing skills? yeah how everyone loved them /sarcasm. oh what a fail. The disapointment of zac stealing my center stage spot next to sam? stupid boi. no not really... i wish that was all that was on my mind, how easy life would be then.
no wosonmamind is everything, everything that i wanted, wot was ment to be, supposed to be before i lost it. all this time we were pretending so much for my happy ending. no wosonmamind is feelings, confusion... the fact that i have a headache, and that my hip hurts... stupid bench. wosonmamind is that i never get anything right and im searching for solutions to problems that i've created. wosonmamind is finding a way to make it better for me and everyone else finding a way to right what wrongs i've caused. that's wots on my mind
but then there's a lot more on my mind too. there's my plans for the future both near and far. there's my considerations of where to go now. who am i going to please first me... or the few people i'll upset by pleasing me. oh the decision. it's like that question would you choose to go to heaven while all your friends are sent to hell to enable you to go to heaven... or go to hell to let them go on to heaven... that's a pretty obvious choice for me... so is that what i do in this situation then?
wosonmamind is my assignment which i should be doing right now... but it's so much work and i dont want to get started yet. wosonmamind is failing as a person because my expert control over my emotions is slipping. my expert handle on controlling what is seen, sending out false emotions to get the right response and hiding everything true is fading. my control is crumbling as i find myself struggling to regain power over myself. i feel like im floundering around in waters to deep for me... struggling for air and calmness from my thrashing about. i feel like i dont know anymore. and i dont know who to go to to pull me bak together again.
Posted by
madsie
im a tree now
ever tried to uproot a tree? removing the tree upsets the land around it.
for a very very short amount of time... leaving the tree there leaves it effected forever.
so what's worse... what's worse for the land and the tree... staying there like an infection forever poisoning where it stands... or being removed to cause strong pain for a day or so that then covers till there is no memory of the tree.
decision... what i want, is not possible at this moment in time... my option is slightly smaller version of that... to move but slightly less far away... but i'd still be here... just not there... is it worth it, would that make this place suck even more... to remove any people that i can get along with all together.
so what do i do when neither option pleases me...
for a very very short amount of time... leaving the tree there leaves it effected forever.
so what's worse... what's worse for the land and the tree... staying there like an infection forever poisoning where it stands... or being removed to cause strong pain for a day or so that then covers till there is no memory of the tree.
decision... what i want, is not possible at this moment in time... my option is slightly smaller version of that... to move but slightly less far away... but i'd still be here... just not there... is it worth it, would that make this place suck even more... to remove any people that i can get along with all together.
so what do i do when neither option pleases me...
Posted by
madsie
why should i care.
It only makes it harder to fit in, you should be happy excited even if you're just invited. cause the winners need someone to clap for them. it's time you started making your own rules.
What can i say that i havent yet said
What can i write here that people might read, understand and believe without overlooking
What can i write here that has any point and is even the tiniest bit worth while
Perfect... find your perfect. that is my perfect ^. There is at least on place somewhere that is your perfect... find it and stay there. there is at least one person in this god for saken world who is your perfect, find them and hold onto them. there is at least one memory that is your perfect, know it and never forget it. There is at least one goal, one outcome for you life that is your perfect, work for it and never give up on it.
As hard as we try to forget it, our past is part of who we are now. we can be disgusted by this fact, we can swear that it altered nothing within us. but it is only ourselves we are lying to when we say that. for every happy moment, every sad, has changed us in someway, however small... it has.... that photo above with me and callan is from about 2 years ago... now something in life has changed me so much. i do not look like that girl any more, i barely even act like her... i am disgusted in what i have become but i do not get angry at my past... i get angry at myself for letting events that passed affect me like that. i get angry that i let myself change from this girl into what i am now.
i think the main thing in me that has altered is my belief in things. such as love... my only opinion on love used to be it is the strongest most beautiful thing ever... now i still believe that, but i believe that even though it tops the good things charts the power of the bad things is stronger... this has affected me so now although i still am amazed by love and think its beautiful i have agreed that for now it isnt for me... no for now love is a four letter word i can do without. i would rather observe it, smile at other peoples happiness and write about it... rather then participate in finding out for myself... i have always been the observer and now it's starting to sink in.
Other little things in life affect me. when i found my perfect place... when i fell in love with the eifel tower and france something changed in me... i found a new sort of hope... before my opinion of the future woz that it scared me so much. now i know i have something to long for, to aim for. to return to paris and that if my life doesnt go where it should that i can always go back there and refind whatever it was i found there 2 years ago.
finding your perfects finds parts of you that were hidden with your perfects. finding your perfects pieces you together to help you fully understand yourself so that you can fully understand all. finding yourself is most important... and finding happiness too... for those of us who sit dismally in dispair will never know true happiness... will never understand the power of a perfect. those of us slumped into depression think everyone should care about them more... but if they were happy and strong then they could care about other people and earn the care of other people in return. i have been raised to be strong. i dont blink an eyelid at any passing events although i make it seem as though i do... i dont want to come across heartless... but when people mope around and complain it makes me angry. get off your lazy ass's and go out into the world to find your perfects, get off your lazy ass and find that person that makes you smile just by thinking about them, just by hearing their name, and take them with you. find your perfects and never ever let go
Posted by
madsie
thoughts on that lonely thursday night back in '08
Do you wanna talk? Do you want me to stop talking or... tell me what you want!?
no wait before you walk away
"Not all who wonder are lost" J.R.R Tolkein
"Luck never gives, it only lends." A.C.P
"Today is the unknown we worried about yesterday." Unknown
"I have seen the future and it is like the present, only longer." Don Quinsenberry
"Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug." Mark Knopfler
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem." Unknown
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not." Unknown
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad." Aldous Huxley
"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldnt be able to fly. but the bumblebee doesnt know this so it goes on flying." Unknown
"some days it aint easy, some days its not polite some days i dont get it some days i get it right." Hilary Duff.
"i wanna go back to the dreams i'm living in my head." by me
well now wasn't that insightful... incredibly so yey.
no wait before you walk away
"Not all who wonder are lost" J.R.R Tolkein
"Luck never gives, it only lends." A.C.P
"Today is the unknown we worried about yesterday." Unknown
"I have seen the future and it is like the present, only longer." Don Quinsenberry
"Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug." Mark Knopfler
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude towards the problem." Unknown
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not." Unknown
"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad." Aldous Huxley
"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldnt be able to fly. but the bumblebee doesnt know this so it goes on flying." Unknown
"some days it aint easy, some days its not polite some days i dont get it some days i get it right." Hilary Duff.
"i wanna go back to the dreams i'm living in my head." by me
well now wasn't that insightful... incredibly so yey.
Posted by
madsie
The best of me
My body type is slightly rounded in a cocoa bean sort of way. And no I don’t mean my bodies the shape of a cocoa bean I was merely referring to the fact that I am quite lean, like a bean, and rather then have you imagine me as a horrible green bean I thought cocoa would be nicer. My skin tone is, well, there’s no other way to put it other then white. I don’t think I can even try to get by with saying white with pink undertones. No I’m just white, very white. Now onto curves, well I have hips I guess, I mean from my hips to my chest my tummy curves in and then out again like a woman’s body should. But from there it ends. I have no chest to speak of so no cleavage to show off.
So i try. I really do. You think i'm hurting you. You ask why, why do i do this to you, how can i be so heartless... although you assure me otherwise i know it's what you're thinking of me. well i have an answer and although you may not think it good enough it was good enough for me. i know that never, never will it come to what you want, i know that never, never can my feelings steer me that way, don't ask me how i know this i do because i was born to know it. I do because i trust my intuition and subconciousness because on everyother situation i ignored it it never failed to be correct. so my intuition tells me that never will i think of you that way, never can i no matter how much i want to. so no i must act upon knowing this fact. my actions appear icey to you, appear horrible and bitch-like. well that's ok. my action is distance, to distance myself from you. because as far as i have read into you, the closer i stay the more hopeful you get, im not going to continue to dash your hopes. i will distance myself because as much as it hurts to get the cold shoulder i know it hurts more to be crushed and destroyed by a loved one. by someone you admire. i know the land it sends you to, i have been there, i have seen the others that have been there, the some that could never get out, unlike me, who found closure and managed to escape when the blackened guards of this hell were not looking.
So now i look upon this world in a new light. a new more cynical light, but with a more postive optimistic feel. i know i have locked my love away, i know that i will now wait, wait for when i am sure to go back there because the blackend guards know me now and wont let me go as easily next time. but being locked away like this hasnt faded me. now that i have returned from this place i am here and i can smile, and i can go on without looking back. every now and then something twinges on a nerve and i grimace or even a tear escapes but soon i have composure and i am back to being ok. he made my self confidence rise, the clothes i can wear out now, the flirtatious look in my eye, and the way i can now flirt with other guys with confidence. it's nice to be able to be sure of myself, to look myself in the mirror and see a reflection that honestly says " you dont look half bad. " thankyou for that.
that is closure.
well know i have one thing to deal with. i must make you see, i must make you accept that this is it. that was all i could offer to you that one day. no where did u screw it up, never did i even think to seriously pursue anything. you just picked the prickly pear from among the roses to fall for.
Posted by
madsie
you foul beast
you do that. you break her apart and take away everything from her in a horrible way. you crush her, you send her packing into my world. you let her follow my stumbling, tear ridden footsteps. you do it and watch as more and more people stop caring about you in the slightest. you watch as your world eventually crumbles as again and again you do it, again and again you break people down to pathetic remnants of their former glory. you do that and know that i will be looking on, watching her fall, watching you run off, looking on thinking how you are such an easy mistake to make. when you are done and your scraps are left on the floor i will welcome her into my world with open arms, i will welcome her in with a cold heart and the words "i told you so" on my lips. i will welcome her in glad that now she too can live through what i did, horribly, twistedly glad that she fell like i did.
i know that beneath everyones pretences they are all the same. i know how these two friends of the male species use us females. i know how they show it completely differently and hide it in their own ways. i know that beneath whatever sharade they try next they are both the same, and are both missing the two same things.
a.) a heart
b.) the ability to love. to love forcibly or unconditionaly.
i will watch with a smirk on my face as you move on, and on, and on. never knowing if a second thought crosses your mind, never knowing what your true feelings are. never knowing anything about you because everything i knew was a lie. i will watch you move on and hope that one day, one day karma gets off it's ass for long enough to show you just where you went wrong.
i hope you know that every postive emotion i had for you was changed to a pathetic sadness. i hope you know that these pathetic emotions inside me have been boiling inside me as i held them in and have finally reached exploding point in the form of disgust, hatred, and many emotions following Schadenfreude. i hope you know it pleases me to see you cry. that makes me smile. i hope you know that watching your pathetic scraps fall and blubber makes me smile because at that moment i know i am more wise and learned then them. and then i smile because i know they will get to where i am and be ok.
i hope you know that tonight. yes tonight alone i got over it. tonight i understood, tonight i overcame that mountain. tonight i realised that with the change of emotion it only hurts because i still let it hurt and now i have become strong enough to not only keep everyone else out but push that away too. my walls are rebuilt stronger then before, there is armed guard at every entrence so no fool can get through as you did. no one stands a chance now that i have decided and i thank you for giving me the strength to save myself.
i know that beneath everyones pretences they are all the same. i know how these two friends of the male species use us females. i know how they show it completely differently and hide it in their own ways. i know that beneath whatever sharade they try next they are both the same, and are both missing the two same things.
a.) a heart
b.) the ability to love. to love forcibly or unconditionaly.
i will watch with a smirk on my face as you move on, and on, and on. never knowing if a second thought crosses your mind, never knowing what your true feelings are. never knowing anything about you because everything i knew was a lie. i will watch you move on and hope that one day, one day karma gets off it's ass for long enough to show you just where you went wrong.
i hope you know that every postive emotion i had for you was changed to a pathetic sadness. i hope you know that these pathetic emotions inside me have been boiling inside me as i held them in and have finally reached exploding point in the form of disgust, hatred, and many emotions following Schadenfreude. i hope you know it pleases me to see you cry. that makes me smile. i hope you know that watching your pathetic scraps fall and blubber makes me smile because at that moment i know i am more wise and learned then them. and then i smile because i know they will get to where i am and be ok.
i hope you know that tonight. yes tonight alone i got over it. tonight i understood, tonight i overcame that mountain. tonight i realised that with the change of emotion it only hurts because i still let it hurt and now i have become strong enough to not only keep everyone else out but push that away too. my walls are rebuilt stronger then before, there is armed guard at every entrence so no fool can get through as you did. no one stands a chance now that i have decided and i thank you for giving me the strength to save myself.
Posted by
madsie
i wish i could be as kool as you
Tell me y ur so hard 2 4get Dont remind me im not over it yet Tell me y i cant seem 2 face the truth Im just a little 2 not over u.
y is it that with every step you take, and every heart you break you don't appear fake,
y is it that with every step you take, and every heart you break you don't appear fake,
Posted by
madsie
too fast.
i wanna get bak to the old days when the fone would ring and i knew it woz you, i wanna talk back and get yelled at fight for nothing like we used to
there was a time when absolutely nobody cared. there was a time when i didn't have to fake anything because no one gave a damn... there was a time when i didn't have to lie about things i did because there was no one to disapoint. now im sneaking around, i'm knocking things off my bucket list that you can never know i've done. because you obviously don't realise it but i understand your feelings towards me and i am grateful... but you have such a standard for me to live up to now. if you knew the truth how disapointed in me would you be... how would you see me then... what shameful creature would i become before your very eyes.
there was a time when i had just one dream. when i had just one person to care about. when i could put myself first, because there was no one else to consider. there was a time i didn't cause destruction because no one stuck around long enough to let me. there was this time when i had distanced myself safely, a time when i was where i should be. but now...
Now there are people i am scared to let down. now there are people who have somehow gotten through my strong defences and touched my heart. not many... but more then none. they promise me they'll never leave... and i smile, but inside i grimace and wish they could be just like the other people i came across who never cared for me... who never saw anything more in me then they should... never looked deeper then the skin. those people were easy to forget, those people were easy to get around. but now...
Now i find and read promises to me... i find i know what they're feeling. i find that i cannot disapoint. wednesday i let him down... wednesday i had to skulk away so as to do what i wanted to do without him knowing... so as not to see the disapointment on his face. icouldn't face it because he is something i am afraid to loose.
Every day i have to smile and put up with her stories. because i would hate to see her crack if she knew what i thought. if she knew how i felt. if she knew how i lied. Every day i let her cling... i let her because she krept under my fence to become something i'm afraid to loose.
Every day i must hide from the tidal wave of emotion that hits me when i see him. because i must hide my feelings because i care what he thinks. and i know what he would think. every day i must worry what crosses his mind about me because i care what he thinks and he has touched my heart and has made me afraid to loose him.
And i let her down too. i slipped through and manipulated her to say yes to something i wanted. i controlled the outcome... and i feel terrible. everyday i know im getting to a point where i will not be able to loose her. because she is as i am and we do not cling. and we do not fuss. and everyday i find some of myself and some of what myself is lacking, in her and i know that what is happening to her is unfair yet i never took her side... yet i never made a stand. though i know she didnt want me too... but i feel like i let her down every day with my lies
I let them all down every day with my lies... i especially let my lolo down. my best friend. the only person left that would quite litrelly kill me to loose. i let him down and i wish i could be stronger for him... i wish i could be better for him. my dear that i've been missing.
who'd have thought it... not me... can i go back to the time when i could run away and no one would care? can i go back to the time when people moved on from me without a second glance... when i had no one to hurt, to miss, to effect... when i had no one to be fake around please.
there was a time when absolutely nobody cared. there was a time when i didn't have to fake anything because no one gave a damn... there was a time when i didn't have to lie about things i did because there was no one to disapoint. now im sneaking around, i'm knocking things off my bucket list that you can never know i've done. because you obviously don't realise it but i understand your feelings towards me and i am grateful... but you have such a standard for me to live up to now. if you knew the truth how disapointed in me would you be... how would you see me then... what shameful creature would i become before your very eyes.
there was a time when i had just one dream. when i had just one person to care about. when i could put myself first, because there was no one else to consider. there was a time i didn't cause destruction because no one stuck around long enough to let me. there was this time when i had distanced myself safely, a time when i was where i should be. but now...
Now there are people i am scared to let down. now there are people who have somehow gotten through my strong defences and touched my heart. not many... but more then none. they promise me they'll never leave... and i smile, but inside i grimace and wish they could be just like the other people i came across who never cared for me... who never saw anything more in me then they should... never looked deeper then the skin. those people were easy to forget, those people were easy to get around. but now...
Now i find and read promises to me... i find i know what they're feeling. i find that i cannot disapoint. wednesday i let him down... wednesday i had to skulk away so as to do what i wanted to do without him knowing... so as not to see the disapointment on his face. icouldn't face it because he is something i am afraid to loose.
Every day i have to smile and put up with her stories. because i would hate to see her crack if she knew what i thought. if she knew how i felt. if she knew how i lied. Every day i let her cling... i let her because she krept under my fence to become something i'm afraid to loose.
Every day i must hide from the tidal wave of emotion that hits me when i see him. because i must hide my feelings because i care what he thinks. and i know what he would think. every day i must worry what crosses his mind about me because i care what he thinks and he has touched my heart and has made me afraid to loose him.
And i let her down too. i slipped through and manipulated her to say yes to something i wanted. i controlled the outcome... and i feel terrible. everyday i know im getting to a point where i will not be able to loose her. because she is as i am and we do not cling. and we do not fuss. and everyday i find some of myself and some of what myself is lacking, in her and i know that what is happening to her is unfair yet i never took her side... yet i never made a stand. though i know she didnt want me too... but i feel like i let her down every day with my lies
I let them all down every day with my lies... i especially let my lolo down. my best friend. the only person left that would quite litrelly kill me to loose. i let him down and i wish i could be stronger for him... i wish i could be better for him. my dear that i've been missing.
who'd have thought it... not me... can i go back to the time when i could run away and no one would care? can i go back to the time when people moved on from me without a second glance... when i had no one to hurt, to miss, to effect... when i had no one to be fake around please.
Posted by
madsie
just once...
just once i would like to smile without a secret... just once i'd love to say a sentence without one lie... just once i'd like to look you in the eyes and be honest... just once i wish i could be for real.
just once i'd like to run and scream, free and alive... just once i'd like to let loose all bottled inside... just once i want to believe what you say to me... just once i'd like to be me.
i want to smile and laugh and be free, i want you to know the real me. i wish i could tell the truth. i wish so much of my life wasn't a lie. i wish so much... so selfishly... but don't we all...
just once i'd like to run and scream, free and alive... just once i'd like to let loose all bottled inside... just once i want to believe what you say to me... just once i'd like to be me.
i want to smile and laugh and be free, i want you to know the real me. i wish i could tell the truth. i wish so much of my life wasn't a lie. i wish so much... so selfishly... but don't we all...
Posted by
madsie
Liar
Out on your own
feeling alone
threw you a bone
to make you smile again
but then you brought it back
and wanted more
and i kept playing
and i kept saying
all the wrong things to say
Hey
and now i'm in too far to back out again
and if i told you now i'd break your heart again
Posted by
madsie
someone gets it
your joining this program already in progress.
round one he'll ask me on a date and round two i'll primp but wont be late because round three is where we kiss inside his car wont go all the way but i'll go pretty far
he's right... i shouldve just decided straight away. i shouldn't have tried it. i shouldn't have been curious, i should have known love wasn't for me and left it before i ruined it for someone else. i shouldn't have hoped that my luck would change, i shouldn't have been so selfish to try to make things better for me when i wasn't sure, when i wasn't positive... when there was a chance of completely crushing someone as someone once crushed me.
do i wear classic or vintage or plaid!?
do i go movie star glamorous sassy or sweet??
the amount of destruction i seem to cause is inexcusable... someone help me, someone help the poor people that actually care about me at all... the people i hurt the most.
i can't see how people look at me and smile when they know the truth.
what upsets me more... is i can't stay upset for long, i'm upset when i think of it but 5 seconds later im laughing... how shallow can i be.
but hey it's good for me
round one he'll ask me on a date and round two i'll primp but wont be late because round three is where we kiss inside his car wont go all the way but i'll go pretty far
he's right... i shouldve just decided straight away. i shouldn't have tried it. i shouldn't have been curious, i should have known love wasn't for me and left it before i ruined it for someone else. i shouldn't have hoped that my luck would change, i shouldn't have been so selfish to try to make things better for me when i wasn't sure, when i wasn't positive... when there was a chance of completely crushing someone as someone once crushed me.
do i wear classic or vintage or plaid!?
do i go movie star glamorous sassy or sweet??
the amount of destruction i seem to cause is inexcusable... someone help me, someone help the poor people that actually care about me at all... the people i hurt the most.
i can't see how people look at me and smile when they know the truth.
what upsets me more... is i can't stay upset for long, i'm upset when i think of it but 5 seconds later im laughing... how shallow can i be.
but hey it's good for me
Posted by
madsie
i rock this till im grey and old
well well well... if i had one wish, it would be both a selfish and non-selfish wish... it would not be for me. it would be for a friend, a friend condemned to a fate in which i play a big part, in which i cause destruction and pain. this fate worse then many is
four letters
three words
two people
one meaning
i love you
that damned feeling, that damned feeling. cupid, god, buddah even... whoever controls it duude seriously give us a break for a bit!
for i am left so weak. and he won't leave me alone. and i am still so weak, and still so sure. that all i want is alone. until i know it's right. so why then can't you let me alone eyy.
no mountain too high no oceans wide enough, let it rain, let it pour it wont stop my journey. my journey outwoulds, across and away like i promised my dearest friend... i will keep on walking, keep on dancing and keep on smiling every day for him because he's gone doesnt mean my promises will be broken
four letters
three words
two people
one meaning
i love you
that damned feeling, that damned feeling. cupid, god, buddah even... whoever controls it duude seriously give us a break for a bit!
for i am left so weak. and he won't leave me alone. and i am still so weak, and still so sure. that all i want is alone. until i know it's right. so why then can't you let me alone eyy.
no mountain too high no oceans wide enough, let it rain, let it pour it wont stop my journey. my journey outwoulds, across and away like i promised my dearest friend... i will keep on walking, keep on dancing and keep on smiling every day for him because he's gone doesnt mean my promises will be broken
Posted by
madsie
shallow destruction
"just because you made a mistake, doesnt make you a mistake." Georgette Mosbacher.
"but just because i made so many mistakes... i have now become the mistake."
Madeleine Innes
ha... how day upon day, can i walk out the door with a smile on my face when i know i am the cause of so much pain.
how... day upon day, can i laugh and be foolish when i know i am the cause of so much pain.
how... day upon day, can i stay here, how can i stay and cause you this pain, how... when i should just leave.
i wasn't born to make friends, i wasn't born to get close to people. i know it's my always response when i fail at something, but it's the truth i wasn't born, wasn't put on this earth to be a friend, to be a lover, to be anyone's anything.
i know my talents, i know myself, i know where im going, so why can i not just go there, why must i be this shallow destruction and hurt so many along the way when i know that i do not allow them to barely touch me at all.
how can i ... day upon day, give advice on friendships, recommend action, and pretend to have strong connections with people, when i know that i wasn't programmed for such emotions.
i long for the attention, i want the shallow attention of one of this kind. the longing for me, the comments on beauty, the thoughts of me when alone, but i never wished that fait upon you. i would never wish that upon you when you are not shallow. you are more of a person then i could hope to be, and i would never willingly, or intentionally condemn you to that fait.
serious, commitment, clingy, rules. things i am not acustomed too. things i cannot cope with, i cannot make anyone understand this. i hurt people when i pull away, i upset them when i dont appear close enough, when it seems like i am not a true friend. but the truth is anyone i know, anyone i befriend in my own way i would die for, i would do anything in my power to help... they do not understand this is what i am. this is how i am programmed to function.
can you make yourself be loved? can you make yourself love?
"but just because i made so many mistakes... i have now become the mistake."
Madeleine Innes
ha... how day upon day, can i walk out the door with a smile on my face when i know i am the cause of so much pain.
how... day upon day, can i laugh and be foolish when i know i am the cause of so much pain.
how... day upon day, can i stay here, how can i stay and cause you this pain, how... when i should just leave.
i wasn't born to make friends, i wasn't born to get close to people. i know it's my always response when i fail at something, but it's the truth i wasn't born, wasn't put on this earth to be a friend, to be a lover, to be anyone's anything.
i know my talents, i know myself, i know where im going, so why can i not just go there, why must i be this shallow destruction and hurt so many along the way when i know that i do not allow them to barely touch me at all.
how can i ... day upon day, give advice on friendships, recommend action, and pretend to have strong connections with people, when i know that i wasn't programmed for such emotions.
i long for the attention, i want the shallow attention of one of this kind. the longing for me, the comments on beauty, the thoughts of me when alone, but i never wished that fait upon you. i would never wish that upon you when you are not shallow. you are more of a person then i could hope to be, and i would never willingly, or intentionally condemn you to that fait.
serious, commitment, clingy, rules. things i am not acustomed too. things i cannot cope with, i cannot make anyone understand this. i hurt people when i pull away, i upset them when i dont appear close enough, when it seems like i am not a true friend. but the truth is anyone i know, anyone i befriend in my own way i would die for, i would do anything in my power to help... they do not understand this is what i am. this is how i am programmed to function.
can you make yourself be loved? can you make yourself love?
Posted by
madsie
Pat syndrome
next time i screw up i'll make it less public. sorry to ruin your gossip sessions. buy me a zipper, close up my mouth, throw away the stupid key and stop me saying idiotic things.
yeah i get it i screwed up, yeah i get it, it was low, it was lame, and i deserve it all. that doesn't mean i have to enjoy it and i'm still going to complain thanks.
i try. i really do. every time anyone needs a word, a shoulder, a hand, i'm there, i don't care who it is, if someone's in trouble they are put first. ffs! i want a little back now. no one gives a shit, all they want is to slag off me because it's funny for them! well i've had enough, everytime i've been there, everytime i've helped someone up and now everytime they've let me fall and laughed at me when i hit the ground has added up.
How could i hope
and never see
this foolish dream
was destroying me.
do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life where you're the shining star.
tried believing in myself it was the only way. thanks for crushing my belief. i'm sorry every time i listened to you cry. i'm sorry every time i rebuilt your stupid belief and i'm sorry every time i put you back together! and i'm sorry that anyone ever tried to put me back together, if i was already apart it wouldn't be a hard fall to disapear now.
yeah i get it i screwed up, yeah i get it, it was low, it was lame, and i deserve it all. that doesn't mean i have to enjoy it and i'm still going to complain thanks.
i try. i really do. every time anyone needs a word, a shoulder, a hand, i'm there, i don't care who it is, if someone's in trouble they are put first. ffs! i want a little back now. no one gives a shit, all they want is to slag off me because it's funny for them! well i've had enough, everytime i've been there, everytime i've helped someone up and now everytime they've let me fall and laughed at me when i hit the ground has added up.
How could i hope
and never see
this foolish dream
was destroying me.
do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life where you're the shining star.
tried believing in myself it was the only way. thanks for crushing my belief. i'm sorry every time i listened to you cry. i'm sorry every time i rebuilt your stupid belief and i'm sorry every time i put you back together! and i'm sorry that anyone ever tried to put me back together, if i was already apart it wouldn't be a hard fall to disapear now.
Posted by
madsie
hasta lavista
hasta lavista to all i know if i take this step it's all gone. if i take this step will there be ground in front of me to keep me walking or is there just empty space ready for me to fall through.
i was tired of running out of luck... thinking bout giving up, didnt know what to do then there was you, and the stars came out brightend up the night the music you woz making really blew my mind.
never planned on letting love in i didnt wanna go bak there again... and i won't and i didn't and i mean what i dam well promise. hands touch, eyes meet, sudden silence, sudden heat, hearts leap in a giddy wirl, i could be your girl... but you're not that boy....
i know how much one can give, i know how much feeling you can have for someone. so don;t dream too far, don't loose sight of who you are... don't remember that rush of joy... i could be your girl... but you're not my boy. i wont change.. it is how it is. and thats how i like it. reality sets back in.... someones head resting on my knee warm and tender as he can be. who takes good care of me.... oh wouldnt it be lovely...
i was tired of running out of luck... thinking bout giving up, didnt know what to do then there was you, and the stars came out brightend up the night the music you woz making really blew my mind.
never planned on letting love in i didnt wanna go bak there again... and i won't and i didn't and i mean what i dam well promise. hands touch, eyes meet, sudden silence, sudden heat, hearts leap in a giddy wirl, i could be your girl... but you're not that boy....
i know how much one can give, i know how much feeling you can have for someone. so don;t dream too far, don't loose sight of who you are... don't remember that rush of joy... i could be your girl... but you're not my boy. i wont change.. it is how it is. and thats how i like it. reality sets back in.... someones head resting on my knee warm and tender as he can be. who takes good care of me.... oh wouldnt it be lovely...
Posted by
madsie
something so right could never be wrong
so stand here beside me and give me ur hand say dont worry love coz u no that we can. yeah i have this dream bright inside of me im gonna let it show its time , to let u no, this is real. and yeah its me. im exactly where i need to be now...
deep down... i am pretty shallow
i be trysexual... i'll try anything ;)
oh yes isn't life a laugh.
now i would put some useless song lyrics in here if my ipod would stop playing hsm hehe *tugs colar*
when it's all over please get up and leaveee. i'm a woman of many needs. all of which require chocolate :)
deep down... i am pretty shallow
i be trysexual... i'll try anything ;)
oh yes isn't life a laugh.
now i would put some useless song lyrics in here if my ipod would stop playing hsm hehe *tugs colar*
when it's all over please get up and leaveee. i'm a woman of many needs. all of which require chocolate :)
Posted by
madsie
i dont no whats real and whats right anymore
you let me down, you broke my heart, and every time i fell apart,
he stood by my side, he helped me up, he put me back, for u to re fuk up
He let me down, he broke my heart, and every time i fell apart,
someone stood by my side, someone helped me up, someone put me bak, for him to re-fuk up.
someone used their love, to keep me strong, they used their love, kept me living on,
they showed their love, they told me all, i understand, how far they'd fall,
how could i, go back to him, when all i'd do, is destroy...
i dont no whats right and wots real anymore i dont no what im suposed to feel anymore, wen will things become clear, im being taken over by the fear
i dont no whats right and wots real anymore i dont no what im suposed to feel anymore, wen will things become clear, im being taken over by the fear
Posted by
madsie
wot a lonely way to breathe the air wot an unluvly way to say u care, I'd like to run away From you, But if you didn't come And find me ... I would die
why is it how u wer... and now how u r are 2 different people. y is it that u changed around me... i dont know whether to be happy u made the effort or upset bcoz it woz a lie.
my dream is for u to come and find me, come and hold me, come and make me feel better, my dream is one i dream while asleep...one i know will never be a reality for you dont see me anymore... you dont see anyone like that anymore, i dont no wot happened to u...
why is it how u wer... and now how u r are 2 different people. y is it that u changed around me... i dont know whether to be happy u made the effort or upset bcoz it woz a lie.
my dream is for u to come and find me, come and hold me, come and make me feel better, my dream is one i dream while asleep...one i know will never be a reality for you dont see me anymore... you dont see anyone like that anymore, i dont no wot happened to u...
Posted by
madsie
how
how do u leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart.
if anyone knows the answer tell me :)
how could i hope and never see that foolish dream was destroying me.
how i could i lie and defend you for so long when i knew what u would do.
now if i can write that and no its all true...
how can i end up right back where i swore id never be again.
how can i wish for things that once were great but made me feel so sick.
there once woz a little dirt road that led directly to my heart. 2 found it, one broke it, and fuk now its stuk in a sand storm.
Posted by
madsie
circled and fell
so wot the hell just happend. i woz doing all good, things were fine now suddenly everythings complicated. so what the hell just happened. i was laughing again with new closer friends now suddenly everythings complicated again. so what the hell just happened. i was moving on, i was healing again now everythings crashing back down. so what the hell just happend. i'd fixed myself, glued in the fallen pieces now everthings crashing back down again. so what the hell just happened. i was smiling for a reason that actually made me happy now suddenly im smiling bcoz of u. so what the hell just happened. i was fine on my own supporting my own weight and now suddenly im smiling becoz of u again.SO WOT THE FUCKING HELL JUST HAPPENED
Posted by
madsie
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