figured it out

i knew there was a reason that the call of freedom was so loud to me. i knew that some force somewhere was trying to get me out of something before it happend. but i never answered that call... i never left when i should have... i stayed, and i out-stayed my welcome. it happend... the thing that the forces were trying to help me avoid, the thing i never thought would happen.


i knew i would make a mistake somewhere... or that simply feelings would change, people would change and i would simply run out here. I thought i could handle it. i thought that i was detached enough to let it run it's corse before i left. i was wrong.


The holes left in my heart from past mistakes burn once again as a new hole forces through. i didn't realise how dependent i had allowed myself to become, now i can see it. when i would wake in the morning, no matter what was on my mind... or what i wanted to think, something that never failed to bring a smile to my face... people, people i had grown to love. i would go to school wondering what funny things, what stupid things would happen and what these people would say. friends... a word i never fully allowed myself to understand until now. One shining light amongst my garden of friends was a light i could barely face a day without. I never realised... i guess it's like people addicted to smokes... saying sure they can quit whenever they like until they try it and realise how dependent on them they are.


This shining light stood tall... higher then the rest, risen above and beyond the call of friendship. and it all started as an act... improv practice i had called it. i called out to this light i beckoned it and welcomed its light and warmth happily. i let it warm me and was blind to the fact that it melted the icy walls to the inner me.


I try to prise myself away from this comfort and now realise how dependent on light i have become. how the help i recieved altered me to now not even want to go on without it. alone i feel so cold now... my world is so dark... whenever the thought of loosing this light crosses my mind my body shows my thoughts in a slight shiver. i don't like the thought and the reality would be even worse. without light life is hard... everyone has light somewhere and i found it in a friend, somewhere i never thought i would.