too fast.

i wanna get bak to the old days when the fone would ring and i knew it woz you, i wanna talk back and get yelled at fight for nothing like we used to

there was a time when absolutely nobody cared. there was a time when i didn't have to fake anything because no one gave a damn... there was a time when i didn't have to lie about things i did because there was no one to disapoint. now im sneaking around, i'm knocking things off my bucket list that you can never know i've done. because you obviously don't realise it but i understand your feelings towards me and i am grateful... but you have such a standard for me to live up to now. if you knew the truth how disapointed in me would you be... how would you see me then... what shameful creature would i become before your very eyes.

there was a time when i had just one dream. when i had just one person to care about. when i could put myself first, because there was no one else to consider. there was a time i didn't cause destruction because no one stuck around long enough to let me. there was this time when i had distanced myself safely, a time when i was where i should be. but now...

Now there are people i am scared to let down. now there are people who have somehow gotten through my strong defences and touched my heart. not many... but more then none. they promise me they'll never leave... and i smile, but inside i grimace and wish they could be just like the other people i came across who never cared for me... who never saw anything more in me then they should... never looked deeper then the skin. those people were easy to forget, those people were easy to get around. but now...

Now i find and read promises to me... i find i know what they're feeling. i find that i cannot disapoint. wednesday i let him down... wednesday i had to skulk away so as to do what i wanted to do without him knowing... so as not to see the disapointment on his face. icouldn't face it because he is something i am afraid to loose.

Every day i have to smile and put up with her stories. because i would hate to see her crack if she knew what i thought. if she knew how i felt. if she knew how i lied. Every day i let her cling... i let her because she krept under my fence to become something i'm afraid to loose.

Every day i must hide from the tidal wave of emotion that hits me when i see him. because i must hide my feelings because i care what he thinks. and i know what he would think. every day i must worry what crosses his mind about me because i care what he thinks and he has touched my heart and has made me afraid to loose him.

And i let her down too. i slipped through and manipulated her to say yes to something i wanted. i controlled the outcome... and i feel terrible. everyday i know im getting to a point where i will not be able to loose her. because she is as i am and we do not cling. and we do not fuss. and everyday i find some of myself and some of what myself is lacking, in her and i know that what is happening to her is unfair yet i never took her side... yet i never made a stand. though i know she didnt want me too... but i feel like i let her down every day with my lies

I let them all down every day with my lies... i especially let my lolo down. my best friend. the only person left that would quite litrelly kill me to loose. i let him down and i wish i could be stronger for him... i wish i could be better for him. my dear that i've been missing.

who'd have thought it... not me... can i go back to the time when i could run away and no one would care? can i go back to the time when people moved on from me without a second glance... when i had no one to hurt, to miss, to effect... when i had no one to be fake around please.