4 months on

4 months on and i'm writing out our story. it was so amazing, something that you wouldn't believe could happen in real life, especially not to you. but it happened to me, and it was the greatest thing. as i write out word after word, page after page, chapter after chapter of our time together i can remember everything that i had forgotten. every little laugh, every kiss and every word. i put pen to paper and i remember it all, i can smile at every time we smiled together, but not without the tears filling my eyes.. still, 4 months on.

i was never as happy as i was in my time with him. whether it was the part where we were in love, or the part where we were closer then close i don't care... i loved it all. trying to write it all down has brought everything i hid away back to the surface and it's hard. the hole in my heart, the emptiness left behind is burning as the acid of the memories washes through it reminding me of how much it hurt. with him must have been the only time i ever truly felt worth something, ever truly felt love. sure i've had other relationships, other friends... but none were the same. i could see through the lies and false pretences of friends and lovers. i could tell when they didn't mean it. but with Ash it all felt so real, i never got to doubt anything for even a second... and that's what made it so special. i never thought i'd find that in life... a friendship so sure you never have to question it or doubt the truth behind it.

i've been second guessing myself and other people my whole life, and maybe that's what lets me down. but with him i never had to. i could be what ever i wanted... say what i wanted and do what i wanted without ever having to think about it. he accepted anything, even if it was a negative something or saying no to going somewhere with him, anything. i never felt like i had to do things to please him, because he was pleased with me.