error of my ways

I do know who i've done wrong... and I don't thrive off the tention or anything like that, but I simply do what must be done. The words that were relayed to me bore nothing but the bad tidings of what was going on. I knew then that it had to stop, i knew then that I had to stop. I like to play, to flirt and to toy... and I know who does and who doesn't deserve that. I know that he who is not strong enough does not deserve it. Without sounding too... up myself, i believe myself to be the stronger character here. in the story, he is the sad, pittied one... I am the rough, untouchable one... and that is how it is. He is wise in many ways yes, but in the ways of life itself he seems lost, confused and so young. I too am just young and have a lot to learn... but I have made better use of the things I have seen and read. I learnt a long time ago that befriending people is not for me... To become close to anyone is not where I am headed in life, I do not think I will say end up dying alone because I can love stronger than anything else and to be loved is all I desire, but I distance myself until I know it's worth it. I can see where i gave him false hope, and I can see when I acted simply for my own benifit before thinking of him, but that's ok... I am here going through my life and every now and then I deserve to call the shots.

to hear what's said when i'm not around made me realise what was going on... False messages again, hopes that shouldn't have been born and no matter what was said the knowledge that nothing would be good enough. Talking, flirting, laughing, manipulating... they're not the same thing. they don't work together, i thought i made it clear, but there's no stopping this hope. it's naive and strong and I admire it in him... I don't know what the hope is for now as i gave up questioning when i realised the danger it put me in. But i know there's hope, perhaps for a motherly figure to care, perhaps for a love still, perhaps for a friend who won't leave... all i know is that any of those is something i can't deliver and don't choose to.

i'm glad i can make him smile, im glad i can do something good. but it's gone on far too long, the shadows covering it all up. if it was clear what was felt then it would be easier to know what to say and do... but as i am unsure of what is felt and thought the easiest thing here for me is to detach myself from the situation, cold turkey hurts but is an effective way so i've heard.