tears

if people really cared... really gave a damn. maybe there would be no tears, maybe there would be no sorrows.
no i forgot... life is pain. life is sorrows. that is what we're in for, what we were sent to. even if everyone was kind, there would still be death, there would still be illness, there would still be moods. there would still be hurt and sadness. even if everyone tried... nothing would come of it, because the world is set on being a pessimist. he is set on being a pessimist, he is set on being a forever hopeful "as long as i put it to everyone else not me to do something" optimist, he is set on being an idiot, she is set on caring for herself, she is set on just sailing through. no one is set, on just helping out. just getting back what you give. because honestly, no one gives unselfishly.

i wanna really see what i can be... without strings pulling me back, without ties not letting me go, without duties making me stay. i wanna be more then just a fool with make-up on her face, hiding who she is everyday, being a symbolic mask as well as a literal one. hiding her face, bad skin... ugliness, and hiding her true self, feelings, dreams, wants, needs. if i could i would remove that make-up, i would peel off the o-so-fake smile... i would show you the tears falling from my eyes and down my cheek, so softly you never even heard them. i wanna show you the pain underneath the perfect mask... i want you, to see the hurt, pain, sadness. how broken i am. see the scars. as i have seen so many before. been let to see someones broken heart, someones scarred insides, someones hurting soul... i want you to witness this... i want you to see pain in someones eyes. so you can understand, so you can see how far down someone can go.

what if? what if there were no scars, what if i wasn't broken... would my mask be my reality, would my make-up be my face? what if? what if there was no hate, no love... would i have no strings, could i go on... to see where i could be? what if? beyond this there was nothing i could be, and so hiding behind a mask is letting me dream of what i could be instead of seeing the nothing i will be. i wanna be more then just that fool with make-up on her face... but what if that's all i am. a fool with make-up or a failure without it.

if i could make magic... the smiles i would share. the happiness i'd spread across the places i would go. if i could make magic, the wishes i would make, the stories i would create, the songs i would sing. to throw around that magic to everyone.... if i could make magic.

i think you should know.
i lie awake at night pretending i am curled up by his side. because if it's alright i'll still pretend i love him cause i can't break it to my heart.
i lie awake at night with the tears falling from my eyes, to the pillow where they collect themselves before disappearing into the pillow forever as a memory.
i lie awake at night, singing a soft little song... a song straight from my heart. a song that changes with the wind... a song with no tune, no words, a song in my breath, a song in the way my head tilts upon the pillow... a song of how i am.
i lie awake at night, with make-up on my face, from a long day too tired to wash it off, i watch as it rubs off onto my fingers as i stroke away a tear. i watch as it smudges into the pillow from the tears left on my cheeks. the make-up now is flaking, and my heart is always breaking... my smile i will keep strong for the show must go on.
i lie awake each night, with tears in my eyes, a song on my lips, a dream in my heart, and a wish that never dies. i lie awake at night because the dreams aren't better then reality, they just replay what i already know is so, or what i know i do not and can not have... would you wish to sleep and dream of things you never can have... to wake and have them torn away again... no because then you would spend your days with tears in your eyes too.

i wanna make magic, i wanna magic away the tears, i wanna magic away the sorrow and the cobwebs till there's none. from me... from them... from everyone. i want to magic away any scarrs, any breaks, any flaws... so that people really cared, really gave a damn... using my own magic.