before i could smile

i guess i went there searching... i don't even think i did. but i did find, whether i was looking or not. i found his promise. i found a tree... with names scratched into it, i found an anklet with 7 rainbow beads... the rainbow that symbolised promise... i found the promise. and then decided to start looking.

i found the old bush... and the sea saw, i sat gingerly on one end remembering... remembering the time you gave me your promise right there on the sea-saw. when we laid it all out for the world to see. when you showed me what we could be. i was smiling but then it hurt when i remembered. i remembered you were gone.. and then the place felt empty with only one of us left.

I ran out, breathing sharply... panicking. i couldn't find the road again. i was lost in the bush... lost in our place, without you.

when i got out i was not at the road... no i was at the water hole, i stopped i stared. the water hole. i felt a pull and walked with it to the edge of the calm water. i smiled at the soft coolness of the water. i remembered the last time i had done this. back when i knew what i was and what i wanted to feel. the sureness i had scares me now. the way we went together like we were born to be together scares me now. at the water i turn... eye candy all over again, tall, brown hair, beautiful skin. eye candy. i turn away... no more, it won't happen again, i won't be left empty and alone again.

i hear a voice "shuugs!" i panic, i run again, this is not good. who knows me as Shuugs that i could face today. "Shuugs please wait! Shuugs what's wrong!" i can't stop my feet won't let me... no matter how badly i want to run into his arms, no matter how badly i want his comfort and his jokes now. i can't stop because he would remind me of what i'd lost. i fall. damed balance, "your balance has not improved"

i role over and i see him. Brock is standing over me smiling, he winks like i knew he would. he's grown, but so have i. i can't move, im frozen where i am. i dare not speak. is this how i will be the rest of my life? is this emptiness going to overwhelm me again and again when i try to leave the past and move on.

before i could smile i needed closure... but i didnt have the strength to face it... i am to weak and it showed as again i ran, ran away from yesterday