It'll be you or me...

Im cutting off the memories, first my hair, next time it'll be my heart. To die would be an awefully great adventure. you're begging me to listen coz it's worked each time before, but you see this is the last straw don't wanna hurt anymore.


my hair, gone... in a fit of rage. i hated it, i hated me... hate had overwhelmed me, and so the dark locks fell to the floor as i stabbed at them with scissors. the scissors that have now scarred my hand and bloodied up my floor. and i'm not sorry... no. woke up the next morning and saw it in the bin, my hair... cut off, lifeless done with. like the memories that went with it. i saw inside the bin also, clothes torn up, ripped, cut and destroyed... as well as the memories they carried. i saw shoes snapped in half, headbands cut into little pieces, my old phone smashed... i saw the destruction from the previous day, but i wasn't sorry...no.


the rage that boiled within me and made me snap was obvious, the proof of it lay in my bin and scattered across my floor in my broken possessions that had significance to them that i no longer wanted. One, was thrown into the ocean, one i never wanted to see again, one that made me sick to know it was still in this world somewhere. so i wanted it to sink, sink to the bottom of the ocean where it would rest forever, something i wish i could do.


i cleaned up the clothes, the shoes, accesories and hair. emptied my bin into a bag and through it into the other bin outside. i didn't want to see it. but the blood on the carpet wouldn't come up. the scars on my hand wouldn't heal, wouldn't stop hurting... and my hair wouldn't grow back, but was i sorry? no.


i walked into school with a big smile on, i fell about laughing as soon as i was out of the car, the mask was complete and the reality was complete... i was happy, i was new... i was different and my past was destroyed. i danced like there was no tomorrow, i might as well have broken every bone in my body, used every ounce of energy. and it was bittersweet the whole way through... i loved hating every moment of it. home again, sanctuary, things to stop me hurting so bad. things to stop me thinking so much. things to make me ok. but then the anger again


and i decided, this is too much. it's you or me this time... i won't go on like this no more. with everything else, i hear today your baby behaviour, your anger fits because i walked away. i have duties... i have responsibilities, sometimes i'm needed at a dress rehearsal. get over it. you made me wish i had a knife. you made me, want to quit in an angry rage... you jumped into the already full pool of crap in my life... and over flowed it, almost. It's no laughing matter, when i say, you could... quite possibly be the death of me. I HATE THIS BLOG because i sound just like the whingers i hate. but i need to explode before i explode on myself in a dangerous way. i need to explode somewhere where people won't ask questions, where no one cares... somewhere where i just can, without being judged. too bad here isn't it, too bad there is no where like that. too bad i'll have to grin and bare all interogations and reply "nothing im fine" over and over and over while wishing i could turn away and cry. too bad i can't run into someones arms who loves me and let them hold me and tell me it'll all be fine tomorrow when i wake up, because tomorrow is worth living for. too bad that's all i want. and i can't have it.


a quick pat on the back, and a promise that i can believe, about how things will get better come next year BUT THEY NEVER EVER get any better i am drowning in this fear... that come tomorrow i may not wake up, because i didn't want to. And if i don't i'll never know what the 'morrow was to bring, i'll never know what lie instore for me... because i gave up. because you can't see that holding on like this is killing me...


i have never wanted a way out so bad. but i love life too much to consider death, i just want to go away, to somewhere where i don't know anyone, where they don't know me, don''t know if they want to care about me or not yet. to start over as someone else, as who i want to be. instead of always changing who i am depending on who i'm around so they'll accept me. i want to be one person, and i want that one person to be me, maybe then i won't break so easily. maybe then i'll find someone's open arms ready to welcome me in and tell me they love me and that's enough to make my world keep going.

maybe when i find that. i can hold him too and be the reason his world keeps going. maybe then we can live for each other, and the next day. always looking to tomorrow to see what will happen, hand in hand, placing foot infront of foot walking in towards the future always knowing that we hold our reason always, the heart that beats for us, the reason we believe that tomorrow will be worth it. maybe then to live would be the awefully great adventure