forgot wot i wanted to say

i had like the best idea for a blog... then i checked my myspace and was gonna blog after and now i can't remember wtf.

guess it'll just be my usually bullshit then. hmm. man, i'm so dead atm i can't even think up an idea for a fricken blog now that's sad. oh fear the day that i can't blog any more lol. not that anyone reads this anymore. my one follower finally gave up on me, took the view that i'm a shallow bitch so i've heard, although it's never been said in so many words. I guess it's a bittersweet victory for me. in a way, i succeeded in freeing myself, and getting him away... in the other i proved his promises wrong proving he's just as fake and shallow as everyone else... and now im wanted by nobody. so i've gained freedom and no more clingyness, but i've lost what everyone secretly deep down wants... to be wanted.


*sigh* oh well... i guess a bittersweet victory is good enough for me these days, i can't hope to ever win outright from here on... there will always be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move. life is the climb. another bittersweet win is having the reason i'm still smiling tell me the way i cut my hair looks awesome, but knowing that that's as far as our comments go, and friends who comment on each others hair cuts is all we can be now. bittersweet in that we are now friendly and he thinks my hair looks awesome, but it stops there.


like i said, i guess bittersweet or half wins is all i can expect from here on out, and i am truly greatful for any win, no matter how small a portion of the whole picture, i get. every morning when my alarm goes off and i wake and look out the window, i smile because i see the sun... and just being able to wake up again and view the sun again is a win in itself, something we all take for granted. i sit on the floor in my room. legs crossed under me in black leggings and a loose fitting black singlet, casual, comfortable strumming away at my guitar. and i smile because i learnt to play that bit of my song... sure i've been trying for two weeks to get it right but that day i did... and that's a win in itself, that's a win that i managed to do it. just seeing people i care for have a laugh or smile is a win... especially if i caused it... to know for a moment you ment something, for a moment you did something right and made someone feel good. i live for those moments, when it's evident in the environment around me that i've been there and changed something for the better, added a laugh to the world, or a smile to the face of a friend... or even a new idea to a hopeless cause. those moments are the greatest wins of all.


to know for a moment, just a moment you ment something and you were in the right place at the right time for that exact reason... is a win that you should be willing to live for.


ok lol i sound really wierd... and pointless but im just rambling because i forgot my really cool topic i had... so i came on msn to talk to my asian friend adam <3>