accidental discoveries

i told you i should be a detective, you can't hide things like this from me... you just can't. i find out because i'm curious and my need to know is amazingly large. I'm sorry you all had to hide things from me, i'm sorry i found out, and i guess i'm sorry i snooped.

i found the phone with the messages i wish i'd never read. i found it, read it... and cried over it. i found the other side to a person i loved and i don't know what to think of it. i could be blowing things out or proportion, but when you won't tell me and i have to find out for myself i can't be expected to find the whole story and will only find some... and therefore must jump to conclusions as i see fit... you couldv'e helped.

i found the writing of a past i once lived, the path i almost went. hidden from me because of my destructive patterns. i laugh bitterly at this fact, slighty prided by having such a great effect on someone, slightly hurt, slightly mystified, slightly intrigued and slightly excited that i can know secretly.

i hear the whispers, i find the evidence... i have it all here except the truth. so i make it up, and piece it together myself without help... and the picture is distorted but it works... now you couldv'e saved yourself with a simple explanation at first... but no. conciel things from me and you won't get what you wanted from it.

i stay hidden and i watch, i search and find what i need and return to observe when i need. i did it once and it broke my heart... but i became addicted to knowing the story going on behind my back that i couldn't just pretend it wasn't happening when that would drive me insane... i walk right into landmines placed to trap me... hurt awaiting my arival to strike me in my weakest spot. a loaded gone of pain ready to fire when i trip upon confidential information. all of this, comes no where near describing the pain, guttedness, and all-round let down ness of these situations.

i guess, as one of my teachers would say... i'm an observer. and i wish i wasn't because i always wish i didnt see half the things i did see. one time i was curious, i travelled to a place filled with love... to find out if it was all true. and it was. this was the most pain i ever felt... this was the hardest i ever fell, walking through that door to see what i did. Eyes full of pain, a strong body almost transparent in front of that window... hands soft and weak touching mine. A dying soul in a dying boy. The smile, the captivating eyes... they made it better but then... together we sat, together we stayed because i needed to know what happend next, i was still foolishly hoping for a mirical that went against my evidence. i need to tell this story, because i need to re-live it... if not to make it real for myself, if not to punish myself... simply to remind myself of how much love was lost that day.
sitting on a bed, double bed... at the end of a room, facing the open windows... the late sun shining in softly.. from memory it was almost picture perfect... i held in my arms, one of the most amazing and perfect people in the world. One of the only two people in the world i feel completely 100% comfortable with. The boy that changed my world, the boy that proved to me how much friendship means, the boy that didn't use me for love or lust... but needed me for a friendship stronger then any love.
we sat there. holding each other. i knew it was the end of this chapter in my story... and the end of his story all together, i sat there and felt a slight tickle on my cheek. i must have reached up to it for soon my head was in my hands that were covered in my tears. i looked at him through my veil of tears and saw tears in his eyes too... my strong hero that never cried was crying now. he was afraid, he knew he was finished now, that his story ended like this... without the fairytale ending. i saw in his eyes, everything he would loose... everything he would take from the world... and everything he feared for me.
he held me to him, i cried into him... it couldn't be real... i know i didn't want to believe that he wouldn't be there soon, wouldn't hold me when i cried... couldn't pick me up when things went wrong... and i knew that never in my life would or could anyone completely understand how i felt then and how i felt forever after... it's called individuality although experiances are similar no one feels the same, ever. he lifted my face gently by my chin to look at him. his eyes were dull now, fading... he spoke 5 words... his last 5, "one for old times sake?" and i spoke the last words he would ever hear... "I should have met you along time ago."

we drew together as we had so many times once upon a time, his lips brushed my cheek and softly pressed to mine... i remembered the feeling, the memories of a summer long passed flooded back, and in my mind i smiled... knowing i loved him more then a lover, this kiss wasn't romantic, it was a symbol a symbol that we would never forget the adventurous last chapter of this boys life.

i felt the pressure against my lips soften even more, and his hand gently brushed my cheek... before dropping to his side on the bed... he was heavy in my arms... i was scared, i pulled back slightly, slowly... and i saw before me the body that once sheltered a boy i knew... a lifeless body, dull lifeless eyes... that didn't belong anymore. all i wanted was to be gone from this place before i let it sink in that this lifeless figure was the boy i knew and loved. i set him down gently and slid slowly off the bed, never taking my eyes from his perfect features... 3 steps slowly, backwards towards the door. and then the tears came, and i ran.


and that is the worst moment.
nothing else compares now... yet little things still upset me so much. i am surprised by this and wonder why this is so... shouldn't i be almost immune. i wish i was... i wish i didn't need, i wish i didn't care, i wish i never hurt... and i wish i never cried. i know no one cares anymore because i have severed every link i had bar a few... and i fear for the few i have left. as i destruct my world and myself... i realise, i'm not sad... i'm hurt yes, but not sad... i'm moving on, i'm living like he wanted me too... i'm living for him and me now... i'm smiling when something is funny or good because it genuinley is... and this is what makes me a survivor and so many others as good as dead. without the hope for happiness, there is no happiness... you can't have what you don't believe in, and believeing and dreaming about are two different things. just remember that you can't have... what you don't believe in