shallow destruction

"just because you made a mistake, doesnt make you a mistake." Georgette Mosbacher.

"but just because i made so many mistakes... i have now become the mistake."
Madeleine Innes
ha... how day upon day, can i walk out the door with a smile on my face when i know i am the cause of so much pain.
how... day upon day, can i laugh and be foolish when i know i am the cause of so much pain.
how... day upon day, can i stay here, how can i stay and cause you this pain, how... when i should just leave.
i wasn't born to make friends, i wasn't born to get close to people. i know it's my always response when i fail at something, but it's the truth i wasn't born, wasn't put on this earth to be a friend, to be a lover, to be anyone's anything.
i know my talents, i know myself, i know where im going, so why can i not just go there, why must i be this shallow destruction and hurt so many along the way when i know that i do not allow them to barely touch me at all.
how can i ... day upon day, give advice on friendships, recommend action, and pretend to have strong connections with people, when i know that i wasn't programmed for such emotions.
i long for the attention, i want the shallow attention of one of this kind. the longing for me, the comments on beauty, the thoughts of me when alone, but i never wished that fait upon you. i would never wish that upon you when you are not shallow. you are more of a person then i could hope to be, and i would never willingly, or intentionally condemn you to that fait.
serious, commitment, clingy, rules. things i am not acustomed too. things i cannot cope with, i cannot make anyone understand this. i hurt people when i pull away, i upset them when i dont appear close enough, when it seems like i am not a true friend. but the truth is anyone i know, anyone i befriend in my own way i would die for, i would do anything in my power to help... they do not understand this is what i am. this is how i am programmed to function.
can you make yourself be loved? can you make yourself love?