I've come so far.

Memories that will not die, just because he did. I stand. I go inside. I sit in the big chair, sinking into the cushion. I pretend I am not there. I pretend I do not exist. I pretend to disapear, and I sleep. I sleep in a world of my own. A safe world where the hurt can no longer reach me.


I lived my life as this girl for the entirety of last year. More then anything else I wanted to cease to exist in this life. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I thought about suicide a lot. And yes, I even tried to kill my self during the lowest point of the year. This is not something I'm proud of, and it definately isn't something that defines who I am now. But it is something I have to face, because it is something that happened.


This place, so familiar. The animals, the sounds, the smell... everything. Yet sitting here, my mind blank... but involuntarily playing a film of old memories before my eyes, sitting here I love all that I see. But the tears won't stop.


This paragraph defines how I lived each day. My mind stopped thinking, I didnt't have my own thoughts. I lived in the memory of how my life had been the previous year, how it had been the complete opposite to where I'd ended up. I found that I couldn't close my eyes without scenes from my past appearing. I couldn't dream without him there, and I couldn't be happy living like this. But I did, I lived like this for the whole year, nothing changing... nothing helping. I was just a kid gone off the rails, and it could end badly.


It didn't end badly =]. I didn't die that night, and no one knew. The few times before that, that I'd tried to hurt myself were well hidden. I was now a kid who had found the courage and the will to climb back onto the rails.


I know what kept me alive last year. And this alone proves to me some things about my future. The school play, Not Another High School Musical was the best thing that's ever happened to me during my school life. Those months, the rehearsals... it was my haven and my escape. The friendships that were made and strengthened helped me see that other people still wanted me here. To play Nikki was everything I needed. She became a part of me, and it was only a school play. But Nikki was so happy, she made people laugh, she commanded the audience to laugh with her. She got the guy, she had the best, best friend and over came fears and all that jazz. Becoming this character gave me strength, she's a part of me.


To sing and dance and act has always been my life, but after last year I know it to be true 100%. As the middle of the year due round I was at my wits end. I needed to get out. So I pulled every trick in the book to get me away for awhile. My escape was Melbourne. Melbourne has always been my lucky charm, and it proved so again. Since coming home my life started looking up. The rehearsals for NAHSM got more intense as show week got closer and closer. I didn't have time to think, I was completely immersed in this world.


Sure life wasn't bubbles and rainbows in this world, but it was always good enough for me. No matter what happened. I'm not sure why. When it was over, I had more time to myself then I was used to. Free time, thinking time. Never a good thing. My health diminished rapidly. I was sick all the time, my hormones were out of whack, I lived in my room, alone always, I wouldn't talk to the Doctor, I wouldn't talk to anyone. I was told I had to see the Chaplin at school, mum threatend to come up to school and see her with me if I didn't go. So I lied and said I'd been and that she'd just said to take it easy.


It seems the greater forces were determined to make me see her though. During drama class I got a message informing me that the Chaplin had asked to see me. Apparently someone had gone to her concerned about me. As soon as she mentioned this, anger flared inside me. As a Libran my biggest fear is other peoples advice, and so people meddling in my life trying to fix it for me is one of the things I hate the most. I was so far down in my depression that I never stopped to think, "aw they cared enough to talk about me," no I was just furious that they would get involved.


I told the Chaplin I was fine, but she continued to check up on me in school and this really got to me. I hate being babied. My friend would tease me about her and this was around the time we were living our lives as musicals, so we made up songs about it. Like hiding from her, this definately helped lighten my mood and I'm so thankful that I had a best friend like her while I failed at life. She helped me start glossing over the ugly parts of life, and taught me to share my problems. Something that was new to me.


We'd fight, I'd have a bad night where I'd get really sick. Medication, throwing up, breaking out in sweats, shivering. My dreams were becoming my haven, until the nightmares started. Then I had no where to go. My friend and I patched up our fight and are now stronger then ever. The fight wasn't worth it, and we both new that. I'm scared to think what might have happened if we never talked again. I'd like to think I had the strength not to give up, and that I wasn't selfish enough to take my own life... but now I'll never know.


We planned holidays together, and she never let me have the chance to be upset. I was finally remembering what I'd been missing. School finished, we jetted off to Bali. And there I worked it all out. Chilling out with her, reading this awesome book and just escaping the misery of the year really pointed out to me that it was all my fault. The world didn't deserve to have me fluffing around being depressed. It deserved so much more. No one in my life deserved having me as an obstacle in their lives, and that's exactly what I'd become.


And then I found a real escape. Through meditation and understanding. To find myself, and happiness. I learnt what happiness really was to me. And how I could control my thoughts and it was my choice how things effected me. If I hated people, I was putting negative emotions in myself... ones that didn't need to be there. Why would I do this to myself? So I kinda worked out that I'd spent the year being a total loser and slapped myself in the face. Not physically. I pointed out to myself all the revealations I've written above and a few more that I'd had. I agreed with myself, and no I'm not crazy, and decided that the new year would bring worth a new me.


And it actually has. I don't know why, but I'm definately not complaining, I've been blessed with a good mood. Or at least the ability to make the best of everything, and make the good mood. I meditate and I've started praying... I'm not sure who I'm praying to. I know I meditate with Buddah, although I'm not Buddhist, I just feel comfortable in his care. And I pray to the forces that I, and no one else understands. If there is a God, and if he is invinite, then why tie him down to one religion. I read this idea in the book Eat Pray Love. And I have to say I agree. Can't there just be someone out there, who is bigger then anything I am capable of understanding, that loves me. Always, always loves me.


I've come so far.